words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there; Phoebe recites the last verse of a poem to Joey. This poem is known as "The Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore, but it seems that it's rather "Account of a visit from St. Nicholas" by Henry Livingston.]
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of his chair.]
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Ken: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
[Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie] [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
"Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No, don't sing along.
[Flashback to 610 - TOW The Routine] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo] [Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
[Scene: Back in the conference room in Tulsa.]
Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
[Scene change back an forth: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.]
Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?
Ross: (in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...
Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.
(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)
[Scene: back in the conference room in Tulsa]
Chandler: (hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.
(She's getting closer to him, the scene fades to black.)
[Scene: The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade Wendy]
Wendy: So? I'm married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)
[Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London] [Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
[Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets] [Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.
[Flashback to 524 - TOI Vegas, Part II] [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
[Flashback to 702 - TOW Rachel's Book] [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Phoebe: (at the window) Hey look, you guys, it's snowing!
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out of the window.)
(Surprised, uttering Ahhs and Ohhs, the others are coming over to him.)
Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler: (to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)
Ross: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch, checking the Job offers in a Newspaper.]
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's up for the job...)
Joey: Look, I told ya, Im not going to any clinic! I dont have a problem, youre the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor
Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.
Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?
Paul: What do you need from the car?
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]
Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus...
Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party.
(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)
[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]
Phoebe: You guys were right. Hes just too excited about everything. I mean Im all for living life, but this is the Gellers 35th anniversary. Okay? Lets call a spade a spade this party stinks.
MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.
Rachel: Well yknow, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time theyre 40, they marry each other.
Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?
Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I dont know any of it and Im the father. I wish Id be more involved yknow.
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?
Rachel: Well, Joshuas coming in tomorrow and since I dont have the guts to ask him out, Im going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.
Rachel: I dont know! (Pause) Im-Im kinda thinking it-it was the lobster
Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times hes wrong.
Phoebe: Thats so funny to think if youd just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
[Scene: Backstage at Joeys play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]
Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]
Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!
Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)
Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Rachel: Oh, come on now, dont keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because youre in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)
(She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female Body Inspector" on the front.)
Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Ross: Im sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebodys off the phone, how bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again.
Monica: Hey. Its three in the morning. They dont know that Ive come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.
Rachel: Ooh, Phoebes here! Okay, lets turn out all the lights and well just watch the movie!
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joeys arm, Joey pats Chandlers shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)
RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) Thats supposed to be a duck right? Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?
Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
Man: Actually, Im here about the assistant job.
Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]
Joey: (He looks around the room) This isnt the right room, sorry folks. (leaves)
Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
[Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.]
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.
Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
Chandler and Phoebe: Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh...
Rachel: Hes downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)
Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?
Monica: I dont see him. Hey! Maybe hes in the sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.)
Phoebe: Okay, so its probably just the Ross thing then.
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, Ive got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guys so good, and I really, really want this part.
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
Chandler: Okay. I cant believe tomorrows the big day.
Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
[Cut to the girls apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.
Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! Its the Mattress King!
Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Monica: Isn’t it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?