words in movies
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
JOEY: Ah, the stalker.
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
[knock at the door]
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
MONICA: You don't have the guts.
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and dont come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, its like all Im doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
[Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.]
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, its my moms. So this is the kitchen.
Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Conan: I-I heard some of you guys talking about this earlier, but sometimes theres just a word that someone has to say that youll get hung up on. And itll justthe way you say the word is funny to everybody else.
Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.
RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Sergei: (to the rest of Central Perk) Everybody!! (In his language, and continues.)
Ross: The volcano?
Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it"!
(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.)
(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]
Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isnt too revealing is it?
Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who Im not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone Chandler Bing, he said Whoa-whoa, short message.
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out theres more than three), five, six, and seven!
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
Phoebe: Yeah, hes really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid.
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldnt find though was your Speedo.
Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center.
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Chandler: (to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.
Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes?
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.
RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.
[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]
(The phone rings and Rachel answers)
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think Ill show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave Hi to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.
Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him!
Kim: Oh thats interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter.
Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)
Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now shes celebrating that by going on a date with him.
Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two monthsI didn't get to win once.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldnt have them back unless I gave her the dress!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]
[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]
Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters.
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready?
Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where theyre trapped in the car and Cujos throwin himself at the windshield?
Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I cant believe this! Youre the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!