words in movies
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. Its not just about the pictures.
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. Its the first one, too.
Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke hed ever heard.
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Rachel: Im sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
Ross: Look, Chandler, its my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they dont print the name, so it doesnt really matter who gets credit, right?
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Joey: No, thats VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . Its like a lotta noise to me. I dont know
Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I havent really paid the bill
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, shes crying out, Where are they, where are they?
Monica: Well, shes not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
(They flip through the pages to another picture.)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
Ross: What, you didnt get it? The doctor is a monkey.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think the Hef would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think Ill show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
Gunther: Okay, but the moneys good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? Im going to get a joke journal. Yknow? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: Thats right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?
Chandler: Maybe its the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica: Its coming from the living room.
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachels, theyre sitting together on the couch.]
Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, Im just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that youre just kinda high maintenanceOkay lets go to lunch!
[Cut to the hallway.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a whats wrong with you? look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
Joey: Its kind of embarrassing, yknow. I mean, I was an actor and now Im a waiter. Its supposed to go in the other direction.
Joey: I mean, the jobs easy and the moneys good, you know? I guess Im going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, its a great part. Look, check it out. Im the lead guys best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. Im sorry, that seats saved.
Gunther: Thats the whole part?
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Joey: Yeah, its for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. Its a very important issue in this months Playboy. Im sure you all read about it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Because youre the only one that can be fair.
Ross: Yeah, but Im your brother. Were family. Thats the most important thing in the world.
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truthme.
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, shes lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think Ive ever heard.
Chandler: (To Chandler) Im out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Chandler: Im sorry. Youre not easy-going, but youre passionate, and thats good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that Im pretty good about making you feel better about that. And thats good too. So, they can say that youre high maintenance, but its okay, because I like maintaining you.
Chandler: (happily) Im off the list. (Sits on the couch.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, its okay that you dont want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, howd the audition go?
Joey: Not good, no. I didnt get the part, and I lost my job here, so
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when youve been working here two days? Thats not, thats not right.
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get away with that. Im going to say something to himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him
Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, youre in my seat.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)
Monica: But still, its a big change. The end of an era, you might say!
Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.
Ross: How come its always us left in the field holding the ball?
(She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.)
Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)
Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babys ears!
Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, youre just so, youre so, so (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldnt you date him?
Rachel: Did you watch the tape?
Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7"
Estelle: The thing is its kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesnt know he might be fired. Its the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Cliff: Id have to say the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that youre making me eat him.
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goodys sale is over?!
Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! Theres some in the bag but Ill run out and get some more.
Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.
(The commercial:
Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'
(Mike opens the door and there is a gigantic ice sculpture standing in the doorway)
Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay Im really sorry!! Im apologizing for the(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but Im still really sorry!
Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.
ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?
Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
Rachel: Yeah, sure... (looks outside into the corridor if Joey is there)
(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joeys bedroom.)
Joanna: Oh great! Ill keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)
Mark: Sure, sure. (To Ross) What's with the chair. (Rachel signals him not to mention she's been fired)
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Yknow, I probably wouldnt have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Charlie: Did you get the grant?
(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)
Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?
Dr. Green: 74?! I ordered the 75! Thats a magnificent wine! The 74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiters dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why youre a waiter?
Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why dont you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?
Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape.
Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandlers.]
Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky?
Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]
Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Amy: (yelling from outside) Rachel!! Open up!! It's your sister!! (she knocks on the door again) I have to talk to you!!
Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.
Monica: Oh, Im totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
Rachel: (pause) He is, isnt he? I dont know, I dont know, I mean maybe its just being here at the beach together or, I dont know. But its like something... (shes interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)
MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
Chandler: Whats the second part of your plan?
Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.
Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?
Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. Its about being with the people that you love.
Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of angrily says...)
Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin?
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
Joey: How about those fries though, huh? (Holds the plate between Sarah’s fingers and his plate, thus blocking her from reaching his)
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
Phoebe: Him youre friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.)
Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?
JOEY: Thanks.� (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall.� Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.)� Here's your ticket.
Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)
Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, yknow? And I got nauseous.
Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone...
Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.
Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! Im the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the cut it motion with his hands)
Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride!
Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)
The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
Phoebe: (to the Charity guy) We're back!
Woman: Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.
[Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]
Joey: Ha-ha, very funnyLook! I dont know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings her hair back, and sits down.)
Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check)
Rachel: So whos idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?
Dr. Long: Actually, I think youre ready to go to the delivery room.