words in movies
The One With The Birthing Video
Rachel: Its good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. Ill see you guys later.
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentines Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats never going to happen!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Ross: Oh, Im actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, shes been away all week visiting her parents, but shell be cool. I mean, shes been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, Fossils are my friends.
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah. Candys the mother, Cookies the daughter. The fathers also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, cmere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Ross: (quietly) The red one.
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joeys legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)
Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
Chandler: Its yelling bleeding dilating. Oh, the dilating
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebes. Why were you even watching it?
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh the only sad thing is I wasnt around when it happened for the first time.
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I havent said it before: shes a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going towhat the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which shes been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? Whats the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, its nice! May I try a pink one?
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. Hows my favorite dog, huh? Hows my favorite dog? (the dog doesnt move) Youre subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What arehi! What are you doing here? Im, um, supposed to pick you up!
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Rachel: (entering) Im just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but, but, um what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry! Do you need the phone?
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentines Day! Or something to remember me by.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Im so sorry to barge in on your Valentines, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
Monica: Shes right of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that weve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd .]
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Joey: Yeah, hes the best.
Ross: Im going to uh Im going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uh just just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until )
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute Ahh! Whats going to happen next??!!! I cant make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! Ill do anything to make that happen!
ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time well all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers)
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have peoples names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachels place.)
Monica: And listen to this... (shakes her body so the shells tingle)
Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandlers co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)
Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time!
Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each others hometowns? Why dont you (Motions that they should learn everyones hometown.) (To Phoebe) Wh-whats going on?
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Joey: Im gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, its your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
CHANDLER: All right.� I've got a plan.� I'll go down the fire escape.
David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor.
Joey: Well, its not a part, no. Im teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Maam, are you also a stripper?
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monicas apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, its messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what Im talking about.]
Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.
Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you!
Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Cecilia: I probably shouldve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but yknow I just got so comfy here! And Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Oh thats on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!
MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]
JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?
RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.
Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I dont know Ross! I-I tell you what, lets flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and Im sorry, but I dont care.
Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]
RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)
Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, youre not gonna be on TV!
Gunther: Nope! I still cant believe she slept with you in the first place.
Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)
Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...
Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.]
(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a whats wrong with you? look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.]
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(Why was this the trailer? Well, thats because it was an introduction into the special out takes episode that immediately followed the show. The entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff Youve Never Seen can be read by following this link.)
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...
Joey: That’s it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball.
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!
[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.]
Joey: I never laughed so hardDid you see the wine come out of my nose?
Monica: Chandler, I dont even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]
PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dinas head to her other shoulder so that shes the only one in the picture.)
Chandler: Well this is great. Yknow, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, shes really depressed.
(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)
Joey: (he thinks a little, considering the option and seems to be quite satisfied) I like that! A sharing buffer! Yeah! I’ll order some extra fries! Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. And a shrimp cocktail. And some buffalo wings. Maybe an individual pizza, uh? And some mozzarella sticks. (he looks absorbed in his food thoughts) What were we talking about?
Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Monica: No I'm not sure that it's the best way to hear everything. Someone get me a glass!
Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!
Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!
Joey: Hey, (realises he doesnt know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees its empty and starts to panic.)
(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)
Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.
Rachel: The job is in Paris. (we see Ross stare in disbelief)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Yknow? Say-say theyre coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, theyre laughing, yknow, someone innocently touches someone else Theres electricity, its new. Its exciting. Are you telling me there isnt even the slightest possibility of something happening?
Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
[Scene: A womens self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]
Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street)
Allesandro: Im so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, its like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much were gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef.
Joey: Oh, cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, theres your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)
Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Yknow? I look down and-and I know that this isnt gonna be the most special day of my life.
Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)
ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?
Phoebe: You didn't bring one! My cab's downstairs, I'll drive you to the airport.
Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.