words in movies
The One With The Birthing Video
Rachel: Its good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. Ill see you guys later.
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentines Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats never going to happen!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Ross: Oh, Im actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, shes been away all week visiting her parents, but shell be cool. I mean, shes been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, Fossils are my friends.
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah. Candys the mother, Cookies the daughter. The fathers also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, cmere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Ross: (quietly) The red one.
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joeys legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)
Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
Chandler: Its yelling bleeding dilating. Oh, the dilating
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebes. Why were you even watching it?
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh the only sad thing is I wasnt around when it happened for the first time.
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I havent said it before: shes a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going towhat the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which shes been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? Whats the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, its nice! May I try a pink one?
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. Hows my favorite dog, huh? Hows my favorite dog? (the dog doesnt move) Youre subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What arehi! What are you doing here? Im, um, supposed to pick you up!
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Rachel: (entering) Im just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but, but, um what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry! Do you need the phone?
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentines Day! Or something to remember me by.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Im so sorry to barge in on your Valentines, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
Monica: Shes right of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that weve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd .]
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Joey: Yeah, hes the best.
Ross: Im going to uh Im going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uh just just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until )
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute Ahh! Whats going to happen next??!!! I cant make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! Ill do anything to make that happen!
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
Phoebe: Then thats not breaking the law! Im there!
Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like its a little baby.)
(He carries her into the hall.)
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Conan: (to Courtney) You-youve worn a fat suit on the show. And, a lot of people love you in the fat suit. Do you like wearing the fat suit? Is it fun?
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]
Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Joey: Well, I didnt realize until I got home. I wasnt gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Yknow what? Im gonna go find that guys car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?
Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from nowhere! Thats the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff?
JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.
Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandlers knees. Chandlers ankles. Chandlers ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, youre all set.
Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.
The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if shes still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
<Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table>
Dr. Long: taking a long walk, and then theres the one thats proved most effective: sex.
Monica: Im Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when youre too big for it.
Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you?
Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet.
Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)
Dr. Roger: Im sorry sweetie, its the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my bodys always been a little faster than Western medicine.
Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of the chair.)
Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Chandler: Sure, why dont you set it up. Ill just be over here, browsing through the personals.
Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old (She is waving her hand up and down her face. Shes thinking about the pencil mark.)
Chandler: I did! But the store wouldnt take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?
Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)
Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
Rachel: (starts crying and speaking at the same time, making it almost impossible to understand what she's saying) I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you...
Joey: But he's the same.
(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)
JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.
Joey: He's the same!
Joey: But he's the same.
Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same!
(Someone knocks on the door)
Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?
Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.)
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!!
(Monica is getting up from the couch)
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?
Monica: You didn't hear the speech!
Rachel: Im so glad, Im so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.) And Im glad that youre done. What do you say we umm (Nods in the direction of the bedroom.)
Manny: (looking at the sofa) Where did they go?
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
(someone knocks on the door)
Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
(A guy comes up and gets into the backseat of the cab.)
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem)
Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!
(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so...
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think youre really talented.
Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?
Ross: The woman just vanished!
Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.
Joey: Monicas chicken parm! Ill take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, its Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandlers apartment. Its an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.)
913 - The One Where Monica Sings
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what Im talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldnt have given you the puppy first.
Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade.
(Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)
(The assistant leaves and Ross goes back in the spray-on tan booth and turns his back to the spray nozzles, facing the back wall)
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that wont move and Ross is watching from above.]
(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)
Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.
Phoebe: Im just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and cant perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
(they break the wishbone)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
Mike: Oh, err... no, she's not here yet. You know, I think I'm just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone...
Rachel: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange.
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral...
[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]
Chandler: He's the boss's son.
(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.)