words in movies
The One With The Birthing Video
Rachel: Its good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. Ill see you guys later.
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentines Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats never going to happen!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Ross: Oh, Im actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, shes been away all week visiting her parents, but shell be cool. I mean, shes been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, Fossils are my friends.
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah. Candys the mother, Cookies the daughter. The fathers also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, cmere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Ross: (quietly) The red one.
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joeys legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)
Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
Chandler: Its yelling bleeding dilating. Oh, the dilating
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebes. Why were you even watching it?
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh the only sad thing is I wasnt around when it happened for the first time.
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I havent said it before: shes a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going towhat the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which shes been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? Whats the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, its nice! May I try a pink one?
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. Hows my favorite dog, huh? Hows my favorite dog? (the dog doesnt move) Youre subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What arehi! What are you doing here? Im, um, supposed to pick you up!
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Rachel: (entering) Im just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but, but, um what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry! Do you need the phone?
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentines Day! Or something to remember me by.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Im so sorry to barge in on your Valentines, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
Monica: Shes right of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that weve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd .]
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Joey: Yeah, hes the best.
Ross: Im going to uh Im going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uh just just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until )
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute Ahh! Whats going to happen next??!!! I cant make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! Ill do anything to make that happen!
ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]
Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Rachel: Yeah but, you dont, you dont, you dont want to try to much too fast. Yknow? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast dont you?
Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.
(In the kitchen.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]
Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica: Its okay, cause y'know what? You dont really need me for the business.
Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him)
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Yknow, for you, and (Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)
Phoebe: I dont know, I dont know, I dont know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But yknow on the other hand No. No, I cant. Were friends. No, oh, no. I dont want to risk what we have.
Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!
MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)
(She lets go of the steering wheel to get her cell-phone from her purse. Ross screams and reaches over in order to hold onto the wheel. Cut to the plane. Rachel is sitting in her seat when her cell-phone rings.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]
Monica: The fake kind!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]
Dan: I see the head.
Rachel: Oh no, I really dont want any(He takes the picture)Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross
Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. (Chandler approaches)
Rachel: I just y'know, I didnt expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, well just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine".
Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica its on the ceiling.
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.
Joey: All right! You can have the chair.
Chandler: Oh dont forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)
Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
Rachel: I want the little round waffles.
Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, yknow you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
Rachel: Okay, two things didnt happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out thats not true.
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Somebody knocks the door]
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)
(He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.)
(They all run over to the window.)
(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops. As she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)
Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe?
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good?
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
(They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]
(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.)
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Rachel: Im sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
Monica: I just dont think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, yknow-yknow for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! Its here! Yeah, its right-its right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime.
Monica: All right, listen youre just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
[Cut to the guy's apartment.]
Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...
Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Yknow what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk, which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.) Well, I guess theres no use to me sticking around til the end of the day! (Starts to leave.)
Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us?
Phoebe: No, no maybe cause its harder to raise them, and the added expense, and
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-IHey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)
Chandler: Step away from the duck.
Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.)
Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?
Phoebe: No, cause she didnt tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean Ive only got a week left, yknow? Ive really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)
Chandler: Yeah, Im putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then thats what were gonna do.
Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it shouldve been me. Im the dad.
Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but Ill put some out first thing in the morning.
Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming cause, cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like hes been processed by the devil, or something.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]
Phoebe: And the big ones for me!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.]
Joey: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK(He tries to avoid the tweezers) Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow!
(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)
Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.]
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?
Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? Theres no way, you look like Rosss mother.
PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.