words in movies
Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.)
Ross: No, Monicas restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didnt want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)
Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!
Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading) "The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And Im not just saying this because Im your friend, Im sayin it cause its the truth. Youre food is abysmal!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, its late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]
Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!
Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if youre gonna do this, then Im gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So (Starts for the bathroom.)
Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I cant remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies?
Monica: We said at the movies, but
Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica."
Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, dont ya?
[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]
Ross: We are having a baby together, but were not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, wed like this delivered please.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, thats one of the reasons why were not a couple.
Cashier: Oh no-no, Im fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?
Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. Theres a great gym right around the corner from your building.
Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasnt on the list. A whore.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!
Phoebe: Well, the interview
[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.]
Monica: Hi! Umm, Im Monica Geller, Im the chef at Alessandros.
The Food Critic: Still?
Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
The Food Critic: I dont see any reason why I would do that to myself again.
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.
The Cooking Teacher: Thats very good, whats your name?
The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (Theres a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?
Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)
Ross: Ah, mustve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. Im just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didnt happen. Uh yeah, actually Im free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or
Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs shes holding are arguing.) No! Youre a horny bitch! Noooo! Youre the horny bitch! No! Youre a horny bitch!
Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, Im just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Yknow because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because Im-Im into S&M. (Katies worried again.) Im not-Im not into anything weird. Yknow? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, Im gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)
Phoebe: All right, all right, well just do our best. Okay? So lets say Im the interviewer and Im meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, Im uh, Regina Philange."
[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]
The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?
The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?
The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Lets move on.
The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monicas station! (She tries Monicas fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! Youve never made this before?
Monica: Oh no! I dont know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what its called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.
The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.
The Cooking Teacher: The chef!
Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.]
The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.
Monica: Yknow, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)
The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.)
Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and Im sorry, but I dont care.
(The teacher goes to Joeys station.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, youre up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!
The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.
The Cooking Teacher: Were all beginners here. Nobody knows what theyre doing.
Monica: I do! Im a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! Its not a courtroom drama!
The Cooking Teacher: If youre a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandros! I love that place!
The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! Youre an excellent chef! As a person youre a little
Monica: Oh, Im totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
The Cooking Teacher: Very much.
The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?
Chandler: also I was the point person on my companys transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
The Interviewer: You mustve had your hands full.
The Interviewer: So lets talk a little bit about your duties.
The Interviewer: Now youll be heading a whole division, so youll have a lot of duties.
The Interviewer: But therell be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.
The Interviewer: We can go into detail
The Interviewer: All right then, well have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, youll fit in well here.
The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great.
Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Yknow Ive been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesnt understand) Duties. (Still doesnt.) Duties! (Still doesnt.) Poo. (Still doesnt.)
The Interviewer: Poo?
Chandler: Oh my God this doesnt count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! Theres a crazy guy out in the hall!
The Interviewer: Poo?!
Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
Ross: Okay, so whats the matter?
Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I dont want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know its a terrible thing to even think this, and its completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! Im very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.
Ross: I wont date. Ill uh, Ill be here, with you, all the time.
Rachel: No, not really. Youre pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)
Ross: The bathroom?
Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]
Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, thats the first A Ive gotten since seventh grade, and I didnt have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Joey: What the hell!
The Acting Teacher: All right, lets start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved
Joey: The guy left this.
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Woman At The Wedding: Why wont you take our picture?
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
The Producer: (walking into Macs office) So uh, heres your office set!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since Im getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Heres a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
[Cut to the scene described above.]
Monica: Now, are you glad we didnt start with the bikini strips?
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
(The girls walk away.)
Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Joey: Its just a game Mon. (makes a Can-you-believe-her face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Joey: (his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)
Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
(They go up to the counter.)
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
Joey: What the hell is that?
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {Its a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (Hes wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its easy grab tab and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin!
Rachel: Okay youre right. Ill hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)
Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didnt rip off any buttons.
Monica: I mean think about all the money that youre gonna make!
Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?
MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.
Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ross: No, because thats the right thing to do.
Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and its always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year Im going to make them cry.
Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didnt you come up?
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)
Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.
Ross: But hey, its not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Chandler: Whos number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Theres the one!
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why dont you ever go out the bloody window!
Ross: The lie you just told.
Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!
Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Isit's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! Were checking out of the bridal suite.
Ross: Joey, Im not worried about her! Im worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
Ross: (entering) Rachel wont talk to me! She wont even open the door!
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that hes so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Joey: No, Im performing the ceremony. Im not wearing a tux.
Joey: Yknow what? This is not fair to her. Lets just forget the tape!
Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)