words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, thats the word I use when I cant remember the real thing.
Chandler: Whos number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, Im setting the phone down. (does so) But Im still here! Just dont go anywhere Im still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Dont-dont switch or anything, cause Im, Im right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just
Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but )
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, youre the next caller.
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! Im the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Ross: So its looks like were the first ones here.
Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think Im going to run to the ladies room.
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.
Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
Man: Uh, the usher told us to come
Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.]
Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Chandler: So thats the girl you like.
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you dont like the guy Rachels dating? Well, thats odd.
Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.
Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
Joey: No, they-they werent in the play.
Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommys in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think hes gonna snap. (Hes watching very intently)
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, youre the next caller.
Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)
[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]
The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)
Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. Well stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
Kate: Why the Post?
Joey: Oh, you didnt see the Post?
[Scene: Kates Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]
Kate: I dont know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy Why cant I just pick someone like you?
Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, youre just so, youre so, so (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]
Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. Youre call is very important to us.
Phoebe: No, no, Im fine, and yknow why? Cause of all the riboflavin.
Phoebe: Im so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see youre play. I swear youre play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. Youre play is the next play is the next play Im gonna see.
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]
Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.
(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)
Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.
Ross: No, its not just cause Im jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a Come on look) I mean Im not, Im not, Im not jealous, okay? Its Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!
Tommy: Whats in the cup, Ross?
Tommy: What is in the cup?!
[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gangs attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]
Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.
Tommy: Ooh, I dont know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, lets go! Lets go!
[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]
Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!
Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. Im wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
Lauren: (at the window, shes looking down out of the window) What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?
Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving?
Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) Im coming up!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]
Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?
Chandler: Why dont you use ours across the hall, cause she has problems.
Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next.
[cut to Chandler and Joeys apartment, Tommy is using the phone]
Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, Im so cute, Im a little chick whos disgusting! God, youre so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)
Chandler: Step away from the duck.
(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)
[Scene: Backstage at Joeys play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]
Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!
Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, Ill go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.
[cut to the end of the play]
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, youve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so Im gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and Im gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, youll be long gone. But I wont have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, Im gonna want to meet her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)
Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]
Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, its has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Chandler: And yet, shes still not hanging up the phone.
All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!
Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!
Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But thats all right, heres the number you can call.
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)
RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
[Scene: Mrs. Verhoevens Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoevens health or lack there of.]
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
Rachel: Okay, whos next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra
Chandler: Okay, heres the thing. Were gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that youre drunk.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) Its a joke. (They all laugh.)
Ross: No! For all I know, shes trying to find me but couldnt because I kept moving around. No, from now on, Im staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.
Rachel: Monica, yknow what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?
Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, Im sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10.
Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (Its the same location as before.) AndHey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in its spot.)
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
(Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.)
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]
RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Joey: All right look man, I didnt want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! Its not even a name; its barely even a word. Okay? Its kinda like chandelier, but its not! All right? Its a stupid, stupid non-name!
Joey: No room? Its a baby. Its like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Yknow, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, its cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldnt even notice it. Wheres the baby? (Mumbles that its over in the corner.)
Joey: Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
Ross: (outside the door) So Im gonna take off then!
[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]
Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Chandler: And Im the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on dont be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you..
Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. Shes almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like(motions that they think the same.)
Monica: I know it is the best.
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
Ross: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]
Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls?
RYAN: Give me the dice.
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)
Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, theyre all still trapped in Monicas bedroom.]
Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet.
Chandler: Im sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why dont you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) Its winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.
Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?
Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planets most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. Shes the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Mona: Okay, I guess you can close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Rachel: But ah, youre safe from it if its in the freezer?
MONICA: Then what's the problem?
Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
Rachel: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. (Joey like stands at attention with his chest forward and his hands on his sides, looking up at the ceiling with his lips pouted.) That's not nonchalant!
JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
Chandler: Well, youre not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
(He now turns to the other side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...
Rachel: I didnt uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Phoebe: I dont know, it would totally depend on her coloring and (realizes) You got the job!!
David: -make the decision-