words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]
Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!
Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.
Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters]
Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?
Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions?
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic?
Ross: So-so what did the doctor say?
Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.
Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering.
Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!
Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop assistant) Yeah.
(The shop assistant sprays the perfume on Phoebe's neck)
Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!
Charlie: (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be?
Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out.
Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?
Charlie: You've seen all the movies...
Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!
(Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms. They enter one and close the curtain.)
Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance!
Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!
(Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie coming out from the dressing room just next to theirs)
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!
Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!
Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!
[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room]
(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)
Phoebe: (goes back in) I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
(A strange woman sticks her head out from a third changing cubicle to the far right)
Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone...
Rachel: (yelling at the stranger) Alright! Enough out of you!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on his bed and the phone rings]
Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker...
Ross: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job!
Joey: Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... (pause) no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]
Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!
(Zack comes out of the bathroom. They all sit down at the table.)
Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
[Scene: In the store. Rachel and Phoebe returning from the changing rooms]
Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you going?
Rachel: (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world!
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
[Scene: Prof. Sherman's office. Sherman is still asleep on his chair, blocking the door.]
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.]
Joey: (impressed) Wow! You look... (drops the cookie)... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness!
Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room.
(David the scientist guy is standing at the news-stand)
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
Rachel: (disapprovingly) Tip of the iceberg.
Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow.
Monica: No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you.
Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.
Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Jeanette: (to Zack) Here are the boards for Friday's pitch (hands him something).
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved
Joey: The guy left this.
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Woman At The Wedding: Why wont you take our picture?
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
The Producer: (walking into Macs office) So uh, heres your office set!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since Im getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Heres a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
[Cut to the scene described above.]
Monica: Now, are you glad we didnt start with the bikini strips?
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
(The girls walk away.)
Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Joey: Its just a game Mon. (makes a Can-you-believe-her face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Joey: (his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)
Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
(They go up to the counter.)
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
Joey: What the hell is that?
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {Its a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (Hes wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its easy grab tab and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin!
Rachel: Okay youre right. Ill hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)
Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didnt rip off any buttons.
Monica: I mean think about all the money that youre gonna make!
Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?
MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.
Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ross: No, because thats the right thing to do.
Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and its always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year Im going to make them cry.
Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didnt you come up?
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)
Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.
Ross: But hey, its not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Chandler: Whos number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Theres the one!
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why dont you ever go out the bloody window!
Ross: The lie you just told.
Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!
Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Isit's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! Were checking out of the bridal suite.
Ross: Joey, Im not worried about her! Im worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
Ross: (entering) Rachel wont talk to me! She wont even open the door!
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that hes so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Joey: No, Im performing the ceremony. Im not wearing a tux.
Joey: Yknow what? This is not fair to her. Lets just forget the tape!
Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)