words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Rosss secret marriage.]
Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didnt get the annulment; we are still married.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcribers note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, Id have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Monica: Joey, why dont you put them in the lost and found?
Joey: Theres a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
Joey: Well, I didnt realize until I got home. I wasnt gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Yknow what? Im gonna go find that guys car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
Phoebe: Okay, well Ill bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, theyre not actually puppies, theyre Frank and Alices triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and Im nervous cause Ive never done that before by myself!
[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]
Joey: Yeah, its (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) Its got em!
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. Ill take care of everything.
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. Its times like these Im glad Smell-O-Vision hasnt been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When youre done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
Chandler: Okay, Im a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
Joey: Hey babies! Oh, Im having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche Ive got the keys too, still there!
Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
Joey: You should see the treatment I get when Im with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, theyre gonna start to think that I dont own it. So I figured Ill wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Joey: And thats just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! Thats my car.
The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now Im just polishing her up.
The Porsche Owner: But its my car!
The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I dont come to this city much so I dont know if youre crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.
The Porsche Owner: Im not coming back.
The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
(The guy gets in and drives off.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime thats the same.
Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)
Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)
Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Monica: Damnit! Yknow this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since youre gay and addicted to heroin.
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.
Ross: And what(notices the stenographer is still typing)What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We dont get the annulment. Dont type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (Hes still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!
Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what youre keeping me married too?!
Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I cant describe it, youll have to see it when it comes on in your area.]
Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because youre wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didnt have the car! Right?
Monica: All right, thats it, were going to the emergency room.
Monica: The babies are asleep, Im sure youll be okay on your own for a while!
Monica: Hes got something plastic lodged in his throat, weve got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: A real man wouldnt just run to the hospital! (They dont stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
Passerby: Maybe because youve got the keys?
Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporters machine!!
Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?
Ross: The judge wouldnt let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it, were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous! Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister nowwho arent there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monicas apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, its messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what Im talking about.]
Chandler: Well, lets just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.
Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed em, bathed em, and put em to bed.
Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.
Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebes triumph.
Monica: But the mess!
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, Ive already signed everything and I put little Xs where you need to sign.
Ross: Youre right. Thats very different. So lets, lets just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.)
Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?
Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didnt really, I didnt want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess.
Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldnt be a secret, and we wouldnt have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)
Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing Ive heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyers office.
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.
Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) Thats supposed to be a duck right? Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?
Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
Man: Actually, Im here about the assistant job.
Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]
Joey: (He looks around the room) This isnt the right room, sorry folks. (leaves)
Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
[Scene: Back in the conference room in Tulsa.]
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
[Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.]
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.
Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.)
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
Chandler and Phoebe: Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh...
Rachel: Hes downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)
Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?
Monica: I dont see him. Hey! Maybe hes in the sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.)
Phoebe: Okay, so its probably just the Ross thing then.
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, Ive got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guys so good, and I really, really want this part.
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
Chandler: Okay. I cant believe tomorrows the big day.
Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
[Cut to the girls apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.
Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! Its the Mattress King!
Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Monica: Isn’t it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
Monica: Yeah, but Im the only one related by blood.
Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!
Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
Rachel: (jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!
Richard: Hes gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice.
Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctors keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry
Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters.]
(they all put their ear against the wall to be able to hear what's being said. We move to Ross's room where he and Charlie are kissing.)
Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now youre talking.
[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
(Robert looks down and realises the problem.)
Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, cant make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy?
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake.
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller whos sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller whos standing next to him.)
Rachel: Its just the pizza place.
Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
ROSS: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?� I mean, they said thirty minutes or less.� Well, how long has it been?
Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
Chandler: Its gotta be the first one.
Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one!
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Joey: (running and banging on Chandlers door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I mustve hit something on the remote.
Joey: Its the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
Joey: I know! I know! And Im going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They Theyre like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I I dont think we can be together. It just, it just cant work. It cant. (Starts to break up) Im very upset.
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Joey: Hey, hey, look! It’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent.
Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!
Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers.
Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! Ill keep the mug.
Joey: Thats okay. Chandlers the one Im mad at.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And its yknow, its kinda like . its a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]