words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?
Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era.
Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real!
Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.
Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.
Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not?
Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving!
Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.
Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?
Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrowthe dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But lookI've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.
Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh...
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi!
Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.
Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?
Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill?
[cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica enters.]
Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.]
Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.
[cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.]
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of....
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!
Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.
Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.
Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)
Joey: Our place, the hall! I...
Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!
Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?
[Scene: In the living room at the funeral]
[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]
Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?
Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow?
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.)
[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]
Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone working on a crossword puzzle. Gunther is there, going into the back room.]
[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me!
[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly]
Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?
Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!
Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?
Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift, too.
Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho!
Kathy: You really didn't have to. (Opens the box) Wow.
Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his room. Then goes inside).
Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.
Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.
Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.
Chandler: Uh, the book?
Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
Chandler: (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."
[Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled]
[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]
The Dry Cleaner: Ive never seen it!
(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.)
RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
Ross: Yeah. Look if-if shes gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldnt find a better guy. So
Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.
JOEY: (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't.� But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Monica: (sees the bed) Whats this?
Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)
Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!
Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)
(Joey comes out of Monica’s apartment and sees Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge amount of bags)
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, Im just gonna need some help. And Bobbys gonna be here the whole time.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Boy in the Cape: You cant tell me to shut up!
Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
(The interviewer watches her leave with an Oh my goodness face.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]
Monica: Howd the lecture go?
Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.
[Scene: Mike's place. Phoebe is on the phone.]
Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month!
Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Chandler: (following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face)
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.
Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.
Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Yknow? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)
Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.
Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didnt happen!
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Whos she?
Rachel: Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who holds it in between his hands)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Billy Crystal: Im sorry. Ex-excuse us. Im sorry, its a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)
(The duck starts quacking.)
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.
Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets itll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?
JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. [Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.] CLOSING CREDITS
Pete: And I feel like Ive conquered the business world, and I feel like Ive conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.
(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.)
Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is telling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma and Ross now enters)
Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?
Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?
Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.
Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be.
Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) Youre making the bike very happy.
Joey: Okay thats the green stuff talkin.
Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I dont hang up on your friends.
RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.
Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. Its good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, lets go out there and get em! Huh? And remember, there is no I in team.
Chandler: Yknow Im-Im really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Chandler: Thats right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time.
Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have youre work cut out for you. Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that shes into some other guy. So
[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]
Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-Ive, I dont live here anymore.
Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwearyou want it to be dirty?
Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebes lap for comfort.)
Ross: now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I dont know (Grabs the note.)
Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!
CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water.]
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.)
Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Rosss foot instead.)
Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!
Kathy: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I dont wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I cant stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I dont wanna be the cause of that. So, I dont think we can see each other anymore. Im gonna go to my moms in Chicago, Im gonna stay there for awhile. I think this couldve be something really amazing, but yknow this is probably for the best. Yknow? Im gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.
Joey: I dont know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)
Joey: I dont want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Ohooh! How about you come with me?