words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.
[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.
(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]
Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library.
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.
Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)
Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Joey: Because of... the reason.
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)
Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!
[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.]
Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]
(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)
Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)
(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)
Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]
Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....
[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]
(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)
Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?
Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...
Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)
(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]
Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)
Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)
Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica and Chandler are entering.]
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy.
[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]
Ross: No, because she hasnt come home yet. And she hasnt been home all night! Shes obviously staying with that other guy, and Im the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
(the bell sounds again, "2 to win" and "pizza toppings")
Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isnt one of the four languages you speak.
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) Im sorry, its for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
(Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)
Monica: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.
Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)
Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song.
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huhOoh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw MassacreNo-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! Youre disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)
Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I canyou have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)
Joey: No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can!
Chandler: One of the slots got filled.
Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
Rachel: All right, yknow what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.]
[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter.]
Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat!
Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)
[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the that went right over your head motion) Woo!
PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the apothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her laugh.]
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)
Monica:: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.
Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know!
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list thatof people were allowed to sleep
Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!
Joey: Well thats it. Im done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)
Boy in the Cape: Id rather have the money.
Ross: I didnt get the annulment.
The Dry Cleaner: Ive never seen it!
(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.)
RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
Ross: Yeah. Look if-if shes gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldnt find a better guy. So
Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.
JOEY: (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't.� But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Monica: (sees the bed) Whats this?
Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)
Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!
Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)
(Joey comes out of Monica’s apartment and sees Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge amount of bags)
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, Im just gonna need some help. And Bobbys gonna be here the whole time.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Boy in the Cape: You cant tell me to shut up!
Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
(The interviewer watches her leave with an Oh my goodness face.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]
Monica: Howd the lecture go?
Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.
[Scene: Mike's place. Phoebe is on the phone.]
Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month!
Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)