words in movies
Monica: Hey Hon, could you help me get the plates down?
Monica: No, I think we should save our china for something really special. Like if the Queen of England comes over.
Chandler: Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint.
Chandler: What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over..
Monica: <laughs> Oh yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the queen.
Joey: wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap.
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
<Chandler grabs Joey's left arm and pushes the sleeve up>
Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot.
<Chandler nods and his eyes get big like he's saying 'what the hell'>
Rachel: Oh.. yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, <shakes head no> not the same thing.
Amy: Listen, um about the hair straightener, honey.. I really need one. I'm going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
<Ross comes out of the bedrooms>
Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade.
<Chandler is startled and nearly drops the plates.> Sorry.
Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. <looks at china> hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out..
Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
Phoebe: Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the strings people!
Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. <pause> He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Sure, what.. what was the work thing?
Joey: Uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks>
Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?
<Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen>
Ross: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
<Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats him on the back>
<Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet>
Phoebe: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.
Amy coming out of the bathroom: Hey. Hey where's the baby?
Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself <Ross and Rachel knock on wood> um you wouldn't get the baby.
Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Later in the day.
Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah... <nearly really drops the plate and more seriously> Woah.
Monica: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. <pinches Ross' arm>
Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
<Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the silveware scraping the fancy plate>
Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay, listen I know you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that everyone should cut their food like this.
<Monica holds a turkey leg up in the air over the plate trying to cut meat off with a knife>
Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.
Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
Chandler: Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just.. you're more the fun parent.
Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air: No you're all about the fun.
Chandler: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway.
Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture.
Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad.
Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. <whiny voice> And they all got to meet Santa!
Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
Joey: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
Joey: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. <throws hands out in the air>
Monica and Chandler come through the front door.
Joey: Setting the table.
Phoebe: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.
Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.
Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch. <pauses> Uchh <louder this time> In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear.
Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. <gets up and walks into the kitchen> And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Rachel turns to Ross: Oh whose side are you on? <back to Amy> I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child.
Amy: Do you want to know why you don't want me to have the baby?
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. <directs this to Ross who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table> Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
<Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table>
Monica: Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the plates in the boxes!
Monica screaming at Ross: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time!
<Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor>
Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.
Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. <gets up and walks towards the front door> I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.
Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Amy: So you're going to give me the baby?
Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
[Scene: Chandler is packing the broken china in its box. He's taping up the top of box so thoroughly, there isn't an inch of cardboard which isn't covered in tape. He is struggling with the tape dispenser.]
Chandler: Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.
Monica: Like only if the queen comes?
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at Joey)
Monica: What? Something happened with the plates?
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]
Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace.
Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!
Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.)
Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.
Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]
Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sisters beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, shes a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
(Kathy enters (Because shes listed in the credits).)
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar?
Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
Monica: Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you werent sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves)
Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, nobody won that game, and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.
Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass...
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know youre gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's up for the job...)
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.]
Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
[Scene: Joannas office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.]
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) Its the deli again!
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.]
Monica: Well, Im gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
(The circle freezes in apprehension.)
Elizabeth: Why dont you get in the hot tub and Ill meet you there.
Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldnt get to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!
Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.
Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)
Mackenzie: (at the other end of the line) I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone at the bears ear)
PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.
Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)
Monica: Well Thats not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Monica: Actually, I'm gonna go check on the twins.
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)
Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!
(Both Phoebe and him are singing along and they get to the chorus.)
Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not.
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time!
[Scene: Dr. Longs Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.]
Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. Im sorry.
Joey: Hey-hey, youre startin to sound like the butchers wife there in-in chapter seven.
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachels standing and hes sitting down and hes not looking at her face You get the picture.)
[Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on the swing and they’re ready to play]
Monica: Im gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gangs putting their coats on to leave.]
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Ross: Youre weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel: I did but she doesnt think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
(While they are both pushing the painting towards each other, Phoebe enters)
[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachels Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]
Joey: Okay, its an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.)
Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!
Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says ) Oh no.
Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
Rachel: Uh, Im just, Im just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.]
Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married (to Phoebe) Congratulations! (pointing to Monica and Chandler)... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs...
(Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.)
Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes!
Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)
Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now were like this-this couple that fights.
[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, dont you have to go pick up Emily?
CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, youre doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Yknow why? Because youre a (pause) neat guy. (Ross cant believe what hes hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. Youre just a love machine. (Starts singing) Im just a love machine and I wont work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) Im just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
Monica: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, its 0-Dark:30, in other words its really, really early. Everyones asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]
Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?
[Scene: Richards bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]
Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, Ill show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didnt see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, Ill slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...