words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!
Ross: Thats, thats pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Rosss feet, but he pulls them out of harms way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert?
Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one?
MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.
Chandler: Yeah well, too bad were gonna have to return them.
Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!
Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?
Monica (to Ross): Okay, well, stop staring at them.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I dont think any of them are gonna work out.
Monica: That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!
Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but hes really into the game so I dont want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Joey: I know! I know! And Im going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They Theyre like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I I dont think we can be together. It just, it just cant work. It cant. (Starts to break up) Im very upset.
Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
(Matt turns back and looks and them, but instead of his next line he starts laughing.)
Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.
Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isnt moving.
Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each others fingers.)
Rachel: Well yknow, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time theyre 40, they marry each other.
Joey: Come on! Look just-just telllet her know that you really want them to be there. Lets not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Woman: Thatd be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)
Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it!
Ross: All right, lets not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a womens pheromones come out the top of her head! Thats why, thats why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, youre a scientist.
Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?
Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
Melissa: I-Ive got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Heres my card. (Hands the card over.)
Joey: I left them at the park.
(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)
MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.
Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He slides them under the door.)
Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.
Monica: (joining them) Hey.
Rachel: (on tape) I-I knowI had put them in in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.
Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didnt call. I mean youd think hed be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.
Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Chandler: I dont care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I dont care!!
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!
Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.
Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them leave?
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
(Monica and Chandler's room. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler have their ears pressed against the wall, and Joey looks at them)
Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-ones turned them.
Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?
Monica: How'd you pay for them?
Will: Could you also tell them Im skinny now?
Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, Im gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them.
(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. Its the first one, too.
Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! Shes always best at us that wily minx.
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Monica: (removes them) Thats because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and its static cling. Or maybe its just that God knew Id be running into you and saw an opportunity.
Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, Ive got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick.
Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldnt. Thats why Im here. Maybe we could attack them together? (He glares at him.) That-thats a no.
(The guy walks past them)
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
Rachel: I’m telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy!
Phoebe: And! And, theyre gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)
Monica: How about, youre moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.")
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.
Rachel: Phoebe you cant have both of them! You have to pick one!
Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, youre not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when theyre bad, yknow, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just wont calm down. Yknow?
Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Monica: Joey, why dont you put them in the lost and found?
(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
Joey: (thinking) Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!
Monica: Give them to me.
Chandler: No, wed just like to close them.
Monica: I like them a lot.
Janice: I had them made special.