words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Chandler: Whats this?
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Ross: How hot is this?!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.
Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?
Ross: Yeah, kinda. Its this woman from work. I hope that wont be too weird. Will it, Rach?
Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month.
Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!
ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didnt think big enough to fit a grown man!
Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Chandler: Yknow, I cant believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on Im never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!
Chandler: Thats our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why dont I justwhy dont I just cover you for a while?
Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?
JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?
Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?!
Monica: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking!
Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is talking. It looks like when Rachel and Monica lived in this apartment.]
Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.
FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why dont you take a walk? This doesnt concern you.
Monica: Yeah Joey shes Rachels got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Yknow what, if were gonna make dinner were gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I justI cant, I cant believe this. Yknow, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe whos always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: Hmm, I dont know. We really have to talk this through.
Ross: Is this?!
Chandler: Well, maybe you dont marry this one.
Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies Id like to talk to you about your toner needs. (Shes reading from the script.)
Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didnt know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldnt have mattered, Im doing this for the fans, not for the free food.
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
Phoebe: Yeah! So you're gonna call this one back?
Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!
JOEY: All right look.� (He walks to the hallway.)� If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna.
Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, whats this thing youre auditioning for?
Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?
Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I dont think I can help you after all, I didnt realize this game was on.
Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?
Rachel: Well obviously I wont be able to come, for those of you who havent checked their calendars today is my due date. Well yknow, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great youve been during this time. I really couldnt have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
Chandler: You mean you didnt get it from this?
Rachel: What? Im not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.
Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?
ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.
Phoebe: Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this!
Monica: Oh my God, this is great! This is so great! (to Chandler, who looks bewildered). Did you hear that?
(Chandler does this throat sound.)
Pete: Oh, believe me, I dont want to get hurt either. Im being smart about this. See these guys? Theyre the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.
JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.
Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.)
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!
Ross: This isyou(Ross starts laughing.)
JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in position on the recorder)
Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I?
Chandler: This is going in your book?
[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]
Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world.
Ross: This is weird for me!
Kathy: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I dont wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I cant stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I dont wanna be the cause of that. So, I dont think we can see each other anymore. Im gonna go to my moms in Chicago, Im gonna stay there for awhile. I think this couldve be something really amazing, but yknow this is probably for the best. Yknow? Im gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is
Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.
Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)
Ross: Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.
Rachel: No, yknow what? Its gonna be okay. I mean you dont have to have this rustic Italian feast. Yknow? And-and you dont need, you dont need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Why do men keep talking to me like this?
Chandler: Im full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, Ill regret it.
Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (To Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.
Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish youre grandmother had lived to see this.
MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?
RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.
Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?
Monica: All right Rach, for what its worth, I think that youre doing great. I mean yknow lets face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.
Chandler: Youll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.
Phoebe: Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her.
Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
Chandler: Yknow, Im so glad I picked you to help me with this.
Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to leave)
Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. Im-Im saving this for my friend Ross.
(They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.
Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.
Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh