words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Chandler: Whats this?
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Ross: How hot is this?!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, Im sure I can make it this time. I just I just cant be afraid to get a little bit hit by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)
Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.
Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Yknow, this bra Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Yknow, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, yknow what theyd say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isnt co-operating.)
Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Yknow my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I I wont play anymore.
Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.
Monica: Fair? Please dont even talk to me about fair! Fair wouldve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair wouldve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'
Emily: Thats just halftime, theres more of this.
Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
Joey: You know, ah, Ive been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, its not my fault. Its a natural instinct.
MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .
Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch Ive ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)
Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!
Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this...(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.
Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!
Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!
Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss.
Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.)
Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?
Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.
Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.
Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.
Chandler: Yeah, Im gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this ones nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver
Phoebe: Have you really done this before?
Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?
Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, youre, youre, youre making this too hard.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.
Rachel: Ross! Yknow what, I just gotwhy? Why did you do this?!
Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?
Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? Theres nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasnt for me and Joshua. Yknow, theyre not gonna get married anyway!
Monica: Ross, we can handle this.
Joey: Well Im not proud of this, but (He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)
Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.
Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) Whats this?
Rachel: This is totally your fault!
JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.
Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her.
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Dont tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
Ross: Actually its more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasnt working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Yknow, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I dont suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but
Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.
Trudie Styler: Im told there are two sides to this story, but all Ive heard is that Bens a bit of a poo-poo head.
Ross: Thats correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youre right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before its too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesnt get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what Im talking about! You have to be organized! Youve got newspapers! Youve got magazines! You gotOhh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.
Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot!
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!
Ross: Thats all youre basing this on?
Phoebe: You gotta hear this, it's great... It's like free porn! (Chandler eagerly rushes over)
Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!
Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.
Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know Im sure thats not gonna happen this time, why dont I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphs.
Chandler: Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!
Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!
Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.
Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
(They both hug, and Rachel, who was in the back of the plane, sees this and smiles.)
Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groomNo! Not the groom!!
Ross: Dad dad, please! As I was saying umm, Im Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Im the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, shes the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if youd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple were here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldnt put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean youd have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Eric: Oh no, stay here well keep doing this. Ill pay you.
Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.
Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldnt go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)
Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
Rachel: Look he doesnt have any brothers or sisters, somebodys gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I havent taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesnt know anyway!
Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to Allesandros? Sure, but Id have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place.
Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.
Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)
Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before."
Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha!
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (Shes opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeahno. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.
Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
Phoebe: No, you can�t go. No-no-no, I can�t hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.
Joey: Well, this has been great!
Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge.
Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, theyre gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, lets get the camera rolling.
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you.