words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Chandler: Whats this?
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Ross: How hot is this?!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
Monica: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. (pats Chandler on his leg)
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so Papa dont preach.
Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way youre doing this wedding now. Okay?
Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don'tI don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.
Ross: Yknow what? Shed-shed love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, thats the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, its an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but dont punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]
Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?
Ross: Please. This is so your fault.
Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I cant believe I found it!
Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right?
Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.
Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.
Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.
Rachel: Well, yknow this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.
Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few raise their hands again).
Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Phoebe: This is so great.
Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?
Monica: And listen to this... (shakes her body so the shells tingle)
Monica: I dont understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I dont have a boyfriend?
The Interviewer: Umm, Im gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.)
Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr
Rachel: Joey, just because theyre not getting married doesnt mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Rachel: Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.
Rachel: Who's this from?
Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: All right, lets break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Chandler: Shes moving on! Okay, if its not this guy, its gonna be somebody else! And unless youre thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? Its over.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.
Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.
Joey: Yeah, I (Shuts off the TV.) I dont want Stevie to see her like this.
Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?
Phoebe: (looks at the amount on the check, and gasps) Well, this is very generous!
Rachel: I mean I think Id say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean Im standing there with this charming, cute guy, whos asking me to go out with him, which Im allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like Id be cheating on Ross or something.
Rachel: HuhWait so Joey if you get this, youre gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean youll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big MacHey! You love those!
Joey: Um, this?
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Joeys Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
Julie: ...and this guy...
Chandler: I dont think weve actually done this before!
Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!
Ross: Oh, oh, we did say wed stop by this little thing Joeys roommate is having.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Monica:: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it�s chilling.
Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.
PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.
Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.
Ross: Im giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
Joey: Theres this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, yknow? Ccause were really good friends.
Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, its okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.
Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
Rachel: (breaking up) Were just really very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.
(She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot wide.)
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!
Chandler: Hey, look, youre in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, shes gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy whos going like this (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, shes definitely going to have this baby. Yknow, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.
CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.
Mona: Yknow, every year I say Im gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Monica: This doesnt mean anything, does it?
Chandler: I cant even believe this! I really come off that badly?
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Monica: No. I hate this part.
Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.
Joey: I know! Im sorry! The guys drunk, they wont let me go until we get this.
Monica: Yknow, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, cause usually hes got the childrens hospital.
Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever!
Nurse: This almost never happens!
Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.
Chandler: Wait a minute, I cant give this to her.
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!
Ross: Yeah! Theyre putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channels gonna film it!
Joey: Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. (he starts writing on his hand) Mandy.
Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!
FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'
Monica: You have to help me! Im supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what shes been working on.)