words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Chandler: Whats this?
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
Ross: How hot is this?!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Whered you get it?
Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, youll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.)
Monica: Chandler, we cant let this tape wreck Valentines Day!
RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Rachel: Okay, yknow, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and yknow go to your apartment.
Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then youre gonna have to do it without me.
Erica: You can do this. Just breathe.
Ross: Oh. This was amazing.
Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but...
Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.
Erica: Help me! This hurts!
Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.
Monica: So this is it, we're really gonna adopt?
Monica: This is unbelievable.
Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?
Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.
Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties?
Joey: This is so cool!
Ross: Alright, alright, let's do this!
Ross: No, you don't understand. This isn't a real cab.
This is a special out takes episode. The cast and Conan are sitting around the set of Central Perk, talking about the stuff weve never seen.
Rachel: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can't believe this.
Chandler: You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.
Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)
Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldnt have gotten this good!
Ross: I am not doing this over the phone.
Rachel: This is ridiculous! I...
Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick) congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-and yknow(Feels Eldads hair)Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff, starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?!
Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this?
Chandler: Wow, this is weird.
Joey: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there's nothing to eat?
Ross: This is it. Unless we're on a break.
Rachel: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it.
Phoebe: So, I guess this is it.
Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?
Rachel: Yknow, I never thought Id say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel whos in the big chair.) What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.
Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.
Rachel: Okay, yknow what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what were gonna do! Im gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and Im gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!
Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)
Monica: I can�t believe I did this. I can�t believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear thatone shouting �look at those tips�! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?
JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
Monica: No-no, its not okay! Its not! I mean you were just Youre so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Yknow Im just gonnaI, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!
Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.
Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, thats why you didnt want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I cant believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean yknow, I dont know about you buy I havent thought about our thing since all this.
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.
Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.
Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats a lie.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know dont do me any favours. In fact, where, wheres the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? Id like that back too. Yes, I do.
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay, see you later.
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
Rachel: Ill tell ya who should be embarrassed! Its you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!
Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...
Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!
Chandler: Yknow, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)
Precious: Oh, why would he do this? I mean, what's wrong with me?
Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?
Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!
Rachel: You need that, you need that too cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)
Amy: This guy! He has a killer apartment.
Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. Its this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; theyre like putty.
Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. Thats uhohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. Ill be right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) This is so nice, ImI am so (starts to break up and leaves)
Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this.
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is notthats-thats not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. Its-its, theyre-theyre wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdales, so And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready."
Monica: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this?
Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Ross: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.
Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue.
Phoebe: Well this doesnt even smell like opium.
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: Ive got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Monica: Ugh, shes upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! Im not doing them this time! I dont care if those dishes sit in the sink until theyre all covered withIll do them when I get home!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?