words in movies
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes gonna know.
Rachel: (breaking up) Were just really very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) Hes the head of my department.
Rachel: Well, yknow what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
{Transcribers Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So Im just gonna guess since it doesnt matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent. The director is the same
Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? Its-its gotten great reviews! Yknow the uh
Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandlers) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what were gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then youre just gonna pay the difference.
Ross: Ive got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may not get married at all this year!
Phoebe: Its a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy shes wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! Shes gonna this boat!
Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam."
Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."
Phoebe: Eww! Oh, its all dirty. You should throw this out.
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldnt even be here telling you this, I mean youre with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say hes straight Ill believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didnt tell ya Id regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Richard: Well yeah, Im sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
Monica: What the Yes youre too late! Where was all this three years ago?!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why dont you put down your copy of The Rules huh mantrap?!
Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when were married!
Phoebe: All right well lets see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boatThis is hard!
Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
Rachel: Okay, yknow what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what were gonna do! Im gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and Im gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-ups apartment! Yknow, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Monica: Fair? Please dont even talk to me about fair! Fair wouldve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair wouldve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Chandler: Oh my God, I cant believe this! Yknow, I thought I thought you were a good guy.
Chandler: Yknow what? I cant believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, yknow? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, shed be surprised!
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Chandler: I cant believe I ruined this.
Monica: Chandler In all my life I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to fall in love with my best my best Theres a reason why girls dont do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous Ive ever been!
Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isnt here!
Rachel: Oh hell, hes done this three times! He knows what its about!
Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isnt too revealing is it?
Mr. Geller: Youre right, youre right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.
Joey: Oh great! Yknow I wouldve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Yknow, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.
Monica: I think our lovers spat will start a little early this month.
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anywayumm, what is this book about?
Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why Im not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, Im a recovering alcoholic. Im a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night Im still a little drunk?"
Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.
Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)
Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed!
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)
Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?
(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)
Ross: Well now lets-lets look at this objectively, I think I should date her
Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, Ill have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, its still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, its a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!
Chandler: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy!
Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts)
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on )
Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how its going to work. Were gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since hes already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess hes some sort of actor.)
Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! Thats it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) Thats right!!
Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesnt remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, Im ready to go back up on the wall Im the star of a new TV show.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. Were seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Im not waiting! Im gonna push this baby out! Im doing it! I mean its what? Three centimeters? Thats gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because shes still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every good boss.) Yknow what? Im not even going to gloat. Im just really relived this whole thing is over.
Ross: Hey, yknow what? This is your fault! Youre the one that didnt move his-his appointment.
Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice.
Amy: You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel.
Monica: (On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo (sp?) is looking? Oh my God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering, but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo (sp?) 'I'll take it!'
Monica: Oh, I still cant believe my dad saw us having sex! He didnt make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!
Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
Joey: Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money?
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldnt. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.
The Doctor: (seeing theyre not identical) But uh, this is a study for identical twins.
Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!
Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
Ross: (blows it) Sorry. Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated.
Rachel: Sorry. Im so exited! Ive been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! Im making him a very fancy meal.
Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?
Helena: Im not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monicas ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?
Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi.
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].
Chandler: One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this.
Rachel: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys.
CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)
Rachel: You think youre gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) Im gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) Ill meet you at the front door. Just tell them youre going home, okay?
Ross: Thats okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didnt want it to end this way, yknow?
Chandler: Sure, you guys dont have this problem, youre made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
Ross: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! (he goes to Rachel's room, knocks the door and enters the room). (very fake gasp) Oh! My God! You're breathtaking!
Rachel: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with youAbout us! But I can�t do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and yknow what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) Im Ross! Im divorced, and I have a kid!
Monica: (laughs) This is Chandlers chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)
Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means...
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Chandler: Im sorry. Im-Im-Im sorry that I said I was going to when Im not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isnt Rachels fault. Its me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And Im really sorry, its just that this is not, this isnt going to work out.
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Rosss finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emilys hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.
[Scene: Chandlers bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. Theres a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandlers door, and starts to complain about the noise.]
Ross: This is insane, Im not gonna make love to you just so that youll go into labor.
Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) Im telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think hes baaad news!
JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean Ive been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a studentI mean I notnot it! I mean, I mean I dontWe havent done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, weve-weve-weve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a jokelighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?
Monica: This is your current cellphone?
Rachel: Oh my God .Whats he gonna do now? I cant watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Arent you scared?
Rachel: Im sorry, I just cant go to the hospital lookin like this.
Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! Youre my hero!
Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I cant believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure shes a hooker?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.
Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much youre probably gonna marry it! Then it wont work out and youre gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) Im so drunk.
Ross: Im, Im sorry you didnt get to go to Spacecamp, and Im hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttles Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange.
Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul ONeil.
Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-
The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im calling for Monica Geller.
ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.
JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.