words in movies
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.]
Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
Monica: All right, all right! Lets just cut to the chase, okay? (To Phoebe) Youre single. (To Tim) Youre single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) Shell be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) Ill give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: Youre a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
Chandler: Oh its been going on way to long now. Yknow, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didnt say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now its five years later, the donuts gone and Im still Toby.
Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! LookBesides, we work in different departments. Hes on the sixth floor yknow? So he calls me Toby once in a while. Whats the big deal? It could be worse, its not like hes calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)
Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.]
(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little Smell-the-fart acting.)
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks Ill just embarrass him. Yknow, he thinks Im some kind of a soap opera nutWhich Im not! Im not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dogs name is Wally. Well look at that, Im just stroking your arm.
Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, yknow you can be very intimidating. And besides Ive met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Phoebe: Thats fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think Im gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
Joey: Rach look, I really dont think thats such a great
Chandler: Were on a semi-first name basis.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. Ive got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
Mr. Franklin: (laughs) Thats a good one. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) "Im so worried about you." Uck! Be a man!
Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy thats just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy thats just been fired, blond bitch!
Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?
Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks Im not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.]
Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why Im not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, Im a recovering alcoholic. Im a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night Im still a little drunk?"
Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? Theres a Ukrainian film at the Angelica thats supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
Joey: No. No. But Ill go see a normal person movie with ya.
Rachel: Oh no, I cant. I got a date.
Ross: A date?
Ross: Why no, its the opposite of weird. Its-its uh, regular. Its-its uh, its mundane. Its actually uh, a little dull.
Ross: A date?! Shes-shes got a date?! With who?
Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Ross: Why dont they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-thats a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! Thats fun too! Whew!!
(Theres a knock on the door and Joey answers it.)
Ross: Hi. I-I hear youre going on a ferry tonight.
Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?
Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.]
Phoebe: It will be in a minute. Listen, Tim youre a really great guy.
Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) Im justIm in a place in my life right now where I I
Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.) Oh, its 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.)
Tim: Awww, Ill miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.)
Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why dont we uh, why dont we just stay here? Lets not see a movie, well just hang.
Ross: Its just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susans, its likeIt breaks my heart a little. I mean Ive always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Yknow? Maybe fight over the science section.
Joey: Thats a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!
Ross: It used to be. Now she doesnt really have a face. Smokin body though.
Joey: Thats okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? Its not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what theres gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?
Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position.
Phoebe: Im sorry, Im justIm Im just not ready for a relationship right now.
Monica: Yeah and-and Im sorry too. But, well I justI like things done a certain way and the chemistrys just not right.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, its only because I think youre so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because Iyoure the most talented chef Ive ever worked for. Anyway (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)
Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-theres a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again.
[Scene: A Street, Ross is walking past a newsstand and sees Rachel.]
Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
Ross: Hey, wanna wanna a little cheering up?
Mona: Im good except umm, you still owe me a dance.
Ross: Oh thats right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Bob: I just found out this is Chandlers office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!
(He thinks about it and decides to join in by turning over a chair and continue ransacking the place.)
[Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.]
Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth.
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
Gene: You put this on a hamburger!
Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face!
Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there...
Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading (she picks up a book). “Sex and the single mother. (pause) Finding your G-spot.
KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal. BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.� But um. . . BILL: Then, can I have your number? RACHEL: (pause) I'm sorry, no. BILL: Okay. (They start to walk away.) RACHEL: Oh sure.� (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.) PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number. BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight. RACHEL: Great. BILL: Bye PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot!
Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find!
Chandler: Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?
Rachel: Well isnt it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?
Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time!
Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper)
Roy: (making a crying face) Oh, you're mean!
Joey: (To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign)
Ross: Tsz... NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve).
Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.
Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend!
Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad!
(Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine)
Ross: (thinks about it for a few seconds) What did you do to my mom?
Rachel: (blushing) Oh, what a line. (walks towards the drinks table with her back towards Chandler and whispers "Oh my God!")
Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?
Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)
Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before?
Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band.
Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame.
Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.
Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind.
Phoebe: (after a pause) Finish it!
Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly".
Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says.
Gene: A match, a candle...
(and another bell for the correct answer. "3 to win" and "What a dog might say")
Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.
Monica: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset...
Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, were on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?
Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammoth's tusks)
(Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.)
Phoebe: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom...
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch. A waitress brings a coffee and Phoebe wants to pay.]
Monica: (she enters with a headset on and she's speaking into the microphone) Well, it matters to me!
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the hallway and enters with an even more hideous painting/collage. One of those faceles mannequins heads wearing a blueish dress and orange gloves reaching out into the room. Around the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. (Rachel and Monica are gasping for air at the sight of this monstrous piece of art.)
Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding.
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
Phoebe: I don't have a fax machine.
Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it!
Ross: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it...
Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it.
Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.
Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's (Rachel is walking by). Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today.
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out!
Monica: (very serious) It's 2101 and I am not amused. (pause). Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say. (Everyone sits and Phoebe gets up)
Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away.
Monica: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back.
Phoebe: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid.
Rachel: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.
Monica: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages. (hands her a stack of papers with messages and calls to return)
Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR, switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a american football match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)
Phoebe: Wow, this is a lot!
Ross: You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you?
Ross: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time!
Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?
Joey: May I have a word with you, please?
Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?
Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to adopt triplets?" No!
Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
Rachel: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho!
Rachel: (not amused by his pun but forcing a smile anyway) Oh my...
Phoebe: (starting to panic) Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me?
Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
Ross: Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you?
Monica: (Obviously enjoying this setback) Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. (by now she can barely keep herself from smiling) Uh! What a pickle.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog.
Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be arodeo clown.
[Scene: Outside. They are a bunch of people arranging chairs, shoveling snow and making other preparations.]
Joey: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl.
Chandler: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?
Mike's dad: (leans in towards Mike) I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... (to his wife) Come on, sweetheart.
Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...
Rachel: Because a car backfired?
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. (she gives her a kiss)
Monica: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? (into microphone) We've got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! (realizes) Oh, that's me.
(Sarah picks up some fries from Joey’s plate and Joey looks very angry. Then we’re back to Central Perk and Joey does a you-see-what-I-mean look to Phoebe)
Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. (She puts the ring on Mikes finger)
Phoebe: I got married! (everyone applauds) Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing.