words in movies
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now lets take a look at (Phoebe rushes in.)
Phoebe: I need to talk to you, its pretty urgent. Its about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-whats wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! Im going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler what the wedding plans are.]
Chandler: Well, you couldnt get them anyway. Ian doesnt plan anymore and Derrick (Off of Rachel and Monicas looks) And Derrick is a name I shouldnt know.
Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Joey: All right, Im gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachels, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table shes set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Phoebe: Whats the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandlers!
Ross: And they knew about it?
Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]
Joey: Okay, look Im sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldnt have, but you got porn!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzlebeer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebes massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
(Ross isnt happy and closes the door slowly.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents dont.) What?
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you cant put a price on that sweetie.
Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesnt like it.]
Ross: Okay! Now, Im going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, thats soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is already there.]
Chandler: I dont know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. Shes saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that were gonna get married.
Chandler: Well, close to (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
Chandler: Well, come on, Ive been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffees cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross: Okay, so it wasnt uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Phoebe: Oh, its my fault?! You didnt have to massage him! You couldve sent him away! You couldve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and Im sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Chandler: Yeah, Im putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then thats what were gonna do.
Monica: Oh, youre so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, yknow? Well pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Chandler: Well, stuff like whered we live, yknow? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Yknow, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, wed have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, its enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and itsIm notits just not funny anymore!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and youre both so important to me
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebes, I would be Rachels, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandlers name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that
Joey: And?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: And itll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Chandler: (pause) No, were still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Chandler: Well, cause she came back the third summer and shed gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandlers dad and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if Im the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)
CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!
Ross: Because its the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel youre up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: Youre with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that(Phoebe screams and tackles him)Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you dont have to smile. Lets try something else. Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
Ross and Joey: Oh! Thats nice.
Joey: And shes back in the game.
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didnt have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, whats the name the girl youre dating?
Phoebe: A real man wouldnt just run to the hospital! (They dont stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julies.]
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, its gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and yknow you-you deserve to win. And-and yknow I was thinking about it, if-if youre Monicas maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and heres a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Yknow I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monicas something borrowed and its blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what itd be like to catch the money bouquet.
Joey: YeahHey, dont worry, shes a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that Im not looking for a serious relationship; thatd be great.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, shes a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
Rachel: No! Yknow what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculousWere gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!
Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
The Waitress: She says its to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesnt stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel wont stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because were going to dinner with her and Clark.
Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Phoebe: And call me!
Rachel: Oh and Ill call ya too!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im sorry I just couldnt tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And yknow we got to talking and I
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
[Scene: Richards Apartment, hes smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal ]
Joey: Yeah, theres this superintendents dance, the Super Ball. I dont know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that hes a crush on.
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joeys not buying it.)
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Phoebe and Rachel: Allisons birthday party.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Erin: Look, hes a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just dont see this having a future.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that hell just be one second.)
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that youre a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesnt matter what she said. Its not important so I dont need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell em youre not looking for a relationship.
Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way)
(Theres a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
(And she does the laugh.)
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
Monica: Thats right. Thats right. And that is why you cant stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldnt come to the wedding.