words in movies
Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Darcy Partridge Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: guineapig, Ruth Curran, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Josh Hodge, Dan Silverstein, and Eric Aasen.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting and talking.]
Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!
Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and yknow you can die. And, you would die!
Joey: And while were down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! (Chandlers excited.) Oh, yknow what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order.
Phoebe: So you guysll stay here and hang out with me?
Chandler: But Ill tell you something. One of these days were get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!
[Scene: Rosss apartment, he and Emily are addressing their invitations.]
Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and hes so cheap, hed never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)
[And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Rosss point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.]
(A woman enters wearing a wet wedding dress and frantically starts to look around.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (To Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are finishing up some cookies.]
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor herebut do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are talking about passion.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up]
[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]
[Cut to inside, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find...
(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)
Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.
[Scene: Central Perk, I'm sure you've guessed, it's the famous fight scene between Ross and Rachel.]
Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.)
(She opens the door and they kiss.)
[The next clip is the second famous fight in The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are arguing.]
Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And Im happy for ya, but Im tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I dont know what to do anymore.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, youre, youre, youre making this too hard.
Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross. The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica's bedroom.]
(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)
[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations. He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel's. And it starts another round of clips.]
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and youre sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel's invitation. Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are opening their invitations.]
Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I cant believe my brothers getting married! And in London! Its so romantic!
Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their invitations.)
(Rachel starts going through her mail, and come across her invitation.)
[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachels point of view.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's Rachel birthday party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.]
Rachel: Oh... (opens it and sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is introducing Julie to the gang.]
Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to hang up on Julie.]
Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either.
Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y(Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.)
[Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date, drunk, and is leaving that answering machine message.]
Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (She hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket.)
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.]
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (She jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has just broken up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.]
(Ross and Rachel hug.)
Chandler and Joey: Ohhh.
[The next clip is from The One Where Ross and Rachel.... You Know.]
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]
Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight.
(They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.)
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didnt say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)
[Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are argueing about the breakup.]
(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are finally breaking up for good, or is it?]
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to make her entrance on the video. The italics are portions of the prom video.]
Mr. Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? (zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich) There she is.
Mr. Geller: It is off. Right Ross? (pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache)
Ross: (walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable) Okay dad.
Mr. Geller: (going downstairs) Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shiningOh no. (Chip has shown up and the four are leaving.)
Rachel, Monica, Roy, and Chip: Bye.
[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]
Rachel: Yeah. Its just gonna be too hard. Yknow? I mean, its Ross. How can I watch him get married? Yknow its just, its for the best, yknow it is, its Yknow, plus, somebodys got to stay here with Phoebe! Yknow shes gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour.
Monica: You dont have a car. And your license expired.
Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, theres so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are reading a book about things to do whilst in London.]
ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]
Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. Im sorry.
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! Im having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isnt mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isnt, this isnt my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Pheebs, youre talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and its all for somebody else!
Chandler: Im gettin my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachels.)
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
(They enter Joey and Rachels to find that Joey has broken Chandlers chair.)
Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Joey: Well, it looks like it wasnt heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasnt broke a chair, is me!
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I cant believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isnt even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, youre my first call! And-and somebody else mightve hung up on you, but I wouldnt do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
Phoebe: Well, yknow Im wearing layers and its warm.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and hes saying goodbye to Phoebe.]
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Rosss sweater to clean them.)
Mr. Geller: Ive been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mothers right, I do look like an ass.
Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and Ill get the furniture polish!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca loungers gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, were up at the altar and Im like this. (Makes a bored face.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachels still down.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! Were all gettin so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Phoebe: But ifno look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
Chandler: Okay, heres the thing. Were gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that youre drunk.
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Im not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachels dessert is...[about to say bad] so good that I eat all of it. Theres none left for anybody else!
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how Ive been married and how I have a son.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller whos sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller whos standing next to him.)
Phoebe: (sips it) Its so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Heres what well do, Ill get twice as drunk as Monica and then no ones will even notice her.
Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and theyre-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in, too)
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I dont have any of those things. Thats why its so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, its happening!
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
[Scene: Monicas birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay lets put aside that you (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you (Does it again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and dont talk to anyone.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike andHey! Ill hold you up and-and push you. Okay?
Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends
Monica: Phoebe, yknow why dont we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy Im getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
Joey: Hey, yknow what you guys? I think Im gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe thats one thing you can cross off your list.
[Flashback to Joeys thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
[Scene: Rosss birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
[Scene: Rachels birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who dont know what Im talking about, lets just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm youre such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I dont-I dont
Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think Im past the point where I think I can yknow, just have fun.
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
[Scene: Rosss birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you havent had sex in three and a half months.
Rachel: Okay, come onJoey, Ill buy you a new one! All right? Well go down to the store right now and well-well get you a new chair.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And shes been on the show forever, its gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Rossa figment of Rachel's imagination shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, Im calling on behalf of Monica Gellers eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) Hes out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachels hand and catches it.)
Dina: Im going to keep dating him Mother, and theres nothing you can do about it!
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin?"
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didnt think Id love again.
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
Cecilia: Im supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but thats not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
Joey and Ross: No. No.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that Ive been playing for 20 yearsIll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]
Chandler: Yknow that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "Youre half Scottish right?"