words in movies
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]
Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Lets just do it right now. Okay? It wont be hard. Just say whats in your heart. (She goes back, sits down, and starts feverishly writing.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]
Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no words (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a writers block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Monica: You have to help me! Im supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what shes been working on.)
[Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]
Phoebe: Well maybe you dont talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about yknow all the things that hes taught you. Like (They all try to think about one example and dont succeed.) Or all the things you taught him.
[Flashback to The One With Phoebe's Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of a woman.]
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out theres more than three), five, six, and seven!
Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?
[This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The One With the Birth.]
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)
[Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joeys apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what Im saying?
[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monicas apartment alight with a thousand candles in The One With The Proposal.]
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]
[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)Diet Coke.
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)
[This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his new found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monicas bedroom in The One With All the Kips.]
(They both grab him and stop him.)
[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]
Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)
[Cut to Phoebe in Rosss new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what theyre about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own
[Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandlers, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.]
Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebes knowledge.]
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandlers that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and hes panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]
Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
Phoebe: And why not?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
Chandler: Love her! That's right, I LOVE HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place and notices something in the window.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.]
Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon theyre gonna be having kids, and then theyre just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe theyre gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)
[Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Rachel: Well, we were just talkin about you guys gettin married and how great it is.
Monica: Yeah, I dont hear Chandlers and he doesnt hear mine.
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monicas and the guys read Chandlers. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandlers new vows.]
Chandler: I stole Monicas and changed the name.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and youre both so important to me
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebes, I would be Rachels, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandlers name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that
Joey: And?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: And itll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffees cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Chandler: (pause) No, were still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Chandler: Well, cause she came back the third summer and shed gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandlers dad and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if Im the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)
CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!
Ross: Because its the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel youre up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: Youre with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that(Phoebe screams and tackles him)Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you dont have to smile. Lets try something else. Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
Ross and Joey: Oh! Thats nice.
Joey: And shes back in the game.
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didnt have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, whats the name the girl youre dating?
Phoebe: A real man wouldnt just run to the hospital! (They dont stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julies.]
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, its gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and yknow you-you deserve to win. And-and yknow I was thinking about it, if-if youre Monicas maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and heres a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Yknow I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monicas something borrowed and its blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what itd be like to catch the money bouquet.
Joey: YeahHey, dont worry, shes a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that Im not looking for a serious relationship; thatd be great.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, shes a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
Rachel: No! Yknow what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculousWere gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!
Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
The Waitress: She says its to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesnt stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel wont stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because were going to dinner with her and Clark.
Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Phoebe: And call me!
Rachel: Oh and Ill call ya too!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im sorry I just couldnt tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And yknow we got to talking and I
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
[Scene: Richards Apartment, hes smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal ]
Joey: Yeah, theres this superintendents dance, the Super Ball. I dont know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that hes a crush on.
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joeys not buying it.)
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Phoebe and Rachel: Allisons birthday party.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Erin: Look, hes a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just dont see this having a future.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that hell just be one second.)
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that youre a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesnt matter what she said. Its not important so I dont need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell em youre not looking for a relationship.
Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way)
(Theres a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
(And she does the laugh.)
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...