words in movies
Aired: 16/1/2003 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones Directed by: Ben Weiss Transcribed by: Roni Raab
Joey: And you're not helping?
(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)
Joey and Chandler: (start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...
Joey and Chandler: Hi.
Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
Rachel: And Joey?
Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
[Scene: Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle]
Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there]
Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...
Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
Rachel: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!
Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
[Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]
Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.
Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
[Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there]
Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
[Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters]
Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".
[Scene: Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of his]
(Joey falls on floor and gets up)
Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up]
Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
Rachel: Oh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws away the box, she and Mon jump up the sofa)
Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
[Scene: Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch]
(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
(Molly gets up and walks away)
Joey: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe!
Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
[Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter]
Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
Mike: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?
Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
Phoebe: No. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
Phoebe: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.
Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?
Rachel: Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...
Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.
Gavin: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.
Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... (he kisses her) and you do that ... (they kiss again)
[cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing]
David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. (Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe is still up on a cloud from what David just said)
Monica: Oh nothing Im justjust was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)
Ross: And she's a little mannish...
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy.]
Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross makes a "whatever" gesture) YES! Sandy you're hired.
Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you dont!
Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this?
Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)
Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome" without a sound)
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.
Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)
Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones Directed by: Roger Christiansen
Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since were getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the door and turns around again)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]
Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiancée and it was just sooo beautiful.
Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)
[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.]
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]
Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?
Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.
Ross: Well I didnt! I didnt propose! (Pause) Unless uh (Pause) Did I? I havent slept in forty hours and it does sound like something I would do.
Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible.
Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Rachel: Okay, yknow what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what were gonna do! Im gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and Im gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)
Joey: No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it. (Chandler and Monica look even more shocked)
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)
Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)
Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.
Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you should just go.
Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over him)
Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David comes in again.)
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment.
[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. <whiny voice> And they all got to meet Santa!
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.
Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]
[Scene: Living room. Joey and Sandy are talking with the Snufflebumps.]
Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)
Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Sandy is knitting baby clothes. Ross and Rachel walk into the living room.]
Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.
Ross: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just feel...
Monica: Daddy! I dont think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Sandy: hmmm... (and shakes his head)
Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, lets poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, were approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry) ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink?
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Sandy are sitting at the kitchen counter. Joey is holding mr. Wigglemunch, and Sandy holds the Grumpus.]
Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.
Monica and Chandler come through the front door.
Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon.
Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.
Rachel: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you cant get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.
Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. <gets up and walks into the kitchen> And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, Im stopping now.
Phoebe: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. <directs this to Ross who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table> Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
<They go back to fighting and then it really gets on>
<Ross nods his head and points at her, in a yes manner>
<Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table>
<Everyone is shocked and Monica faints and Ross catches her>
<Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel is saying ew and pushes her away>
Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.
Amy and Rachel at same time: Sorry.
Ross: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma.
<Ross ponders that and walks away>
Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. <gets up and walks towards the front door> I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.
Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you..
<they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying>
Monica:: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.
Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
JO LYNN: This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.