words in movies
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Casting Director #2: Thats where you pick up the bag.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
Casting Director #2: No.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
CASTING GUY: That's great.
CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.
CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
The Casting Director: Okay.
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks youre really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
(The casting director shakes her head.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
[Scene: A Casting Directors Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didnt need to come down here today.
Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Well, Id like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know youre casting for this new show
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?
Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on?
[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.