words in movies
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
Chandler: Okay, well tonights the big night.
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. Im going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast Im just gonna propose.
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Im not gonna mess it up.
Chandler: Shes not gonna say no.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
Chandler: Phoebe!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Were practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler cant go. Were going to dinner remember?!
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesnt remember where were going.
(Chandler stares at him.)
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Chandler: Oh, so youre already doing your part for the kids.
Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didnt agree to that!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats going on little elves?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes gonna know.
Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what hes looking for and sighs in relief.]
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Chandler: Yes! Yes! Im good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everythingare youare you perrr-perfect?!
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you cant have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you shouldve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldnt imagine growing old with
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler cant believe she just did that.)
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I dont know why I did that!
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im uncomfortable.
Chandler: Hi.
Richard: Oh, Im sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.
Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why dont we sit down?
Chandler: Yeah, Ill sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking hes gone.)
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandlers) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandlers and Richard and Lisas tables have been pushed together and theyre all eating and talking.]
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
Chandler: What?!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Chandler: Richard!
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
Monica: Why dont you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean thats what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Chandler: For camp!
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may not get married at all this year!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldnt do it!
Chandler: Im gonna do it tomorrow yknow, and-and surprise her, but now youve ruined it!
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a persons hands?!
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Chandler: I can do that, Ive had 30 years of practice.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Chandler: Yeah, well Yknow, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?
Chandler: Eh
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldnt even be here telling you this, I mean youre with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say hes straight Ill believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didnt tell ya Id regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Richard: Okay thats fine, Ill walk away. And Ill never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandlers willing to give you everything I am.
Rachel: Isnt it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin married.
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Lets take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs dont mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and thats just an ordinary pig not even a pig thats good at sports!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Chandler: Well, never say never but yknow probably uh yeah, never.
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why dont you put down your copy of The Rules huh mantrap?!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
Rachel: Yeah, Im pretty confident about that. Thats what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandlers tellin ya how much he hates marriage?!
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: MyOh my God!
Chandler: Hes not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! Im supposed to do that!
Chandler: Well what Yknow what Im gonna do? Im gonna go over there; Im gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Joey: Look, Chandler I dont think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler: Youre right.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) Im gonna get the ring! Im gonna get the ring! (Does so) Im gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) Im just going to propose!
Chandler: Okay great.
Chandler: What?!
Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Phoebe: Of course I can! Its just good sense to backup your backup! Look, Ive already lost Chandler!
Monica: Fair? Please dont even talk to me about fair! Fair wouldve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair wouldve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Richard: Chandler.
Chandler: Where is she? Im not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Chandler: Well where did she go?
Chandler: Oh my God, I cant believe this! Yknow, I thought I thought you were a good guy.
Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didnt tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Chandler: Yknow what? I cant believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, yknow? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, shed be surprised!
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Richard: No I dont have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, dont let her go. Trust me.
Chandler: Yknow Richard you are a good guy.
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
Chandler: I cant talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Chandler: What?
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Chandler: Well why didnt you stop her?! Why didnt you just tell her it was a plan?!
Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldnt believe me.
Chandler: Well where Where did she go?
Chandler: I cant believe I ruined this.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler In all my life I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to fall in love with my best my best Theres a reason why girls dont do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, its just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]
CHANDLER: Hello.
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
Chandler: That's patio furniture!
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
CHANDLER: Eeeshk.
Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?
Rachel: Umm, well lets see Monica and Chandler are occupied.
Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?
[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured.]
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.
CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a Remember me? thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time Im in the city?
CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.
[back to Chandler and Susie]
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
[Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?
CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.
CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
Chandler: Well Ive been playing it for like eight hours, itll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, theyre dirty words.
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: Oh.
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: OK.
Chandler: (Very defensive.) Im not seeing Monica.
CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...
CHANDLER: Joey!
CHANDLER: Joey?
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
CHANDLER: What's this?
JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]
CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.
Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....
CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.
CHANDLER: I so am.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.
PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]
CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]
JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
CHANDLER: I can't believe it.
CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.
CHANDLER: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.
CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]
CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.
CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.
(He knocks on the girls door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesnt even realise it.)
CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
CHANDLER: Work on your music?