words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. All except Chandler, plus Emma.]
Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler�s not here.
[Scene: Tulsa, a conference room. Chandler is chairing a group of eight people.]
Chandler: Good morning everyone, it�s nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?
Chandler: (laughs) Well, don�t believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, that�s true. Alright, let�s get started, by take a look at last quarter�s figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, aren�t you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses� ass?
Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can�t remember why. (to everyone:) You�re not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?
Chandler: Alright, lo�look. I don�t smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it�s fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? That�s almost rude, that I�m not.
Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I can�t, I can�t smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)
Monica: This is not, what I�m wearing. I�m ovulating and Chandler�s gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We�ll probably be the first ones there.
Phoebe: �kay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meeting Chandler.) Hey�hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, don�t people know, you�re not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Chandler: No! I just happened t�do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.
Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?
Chandler: Pheebs?
Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell � Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
Chandler: No thanks, I�m good.
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I�m feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.
Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack�a�a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But it�s over, I made a decision, I�m not gonna smoke anymore.
Chandler: But, those are for you.
Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
Chandler: Will power? I�ve watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.
Chandler: �kay, look: Can we just drop this? I�m not gonna smoke again.
Chandler: You forbid me?
Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?
Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
Chandler: Then, I might as well � (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.
Chandler: Fine. What!?
Chandler: You serious? (follows)
Chandler: Right, fine, I�ll do it, but no talking.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.
[Scene: The Bings� bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in bed already.]
Chandler: Look, I can�t do this. I can�t make luv to you while we�re fighting this way.
Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, I�m not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?
Chandler: Mean it?
Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, I�I�m not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)
Chandler: Yeah, let�s celebrate life!
Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes�no big deal.
Chandler: Leave it.
Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?
Chandler: I feel so used.
Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.
Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down) Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn�t it? How d�you get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the � manipulative shrew.
Chandler: You mean the lully story?
Joey: Chandler, control your woman!
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?
Chandler: Oh yeah, that�s what she says. But maybe you�re not ovulating at all, maybe it�s just a clever ruse to get me into bed.
Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
Chandler: What�s the matter with me? Why I�m such a girl?
Monica & Chandler: Mhum.
Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Chandler: He is?
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
(Chandler leaves.)
Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, Im not!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.
Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.
Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.
Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Chandler: Here, here!
Chandler: (goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before)
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandlers bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.]
Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!
Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!
Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
Chandler: Could you not narrate?
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)
ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Monica: Chandlers making his sex face.
Chandler: You remember Janice.
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all, okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture) Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!
Chandler: (pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?
Chandler: I dont have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!
Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards.
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack.
[Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
Chandler: I know I am.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!