words in movies
CHANDLER: Yep.� That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.� Single are ya?
(Phone rings.� Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)
CHANDLER: Chandler Bing.
(She frowns.� Chandler picks up the hand set.)
CHANDLER: What's up Joe?
CHANDLER: Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?
CHANDLER: Courtside?� Oh my God.
CHANDLER: That's so cool.� I'll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)
CHANDLER: Joey just called.� He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
CHANDLER: But hey, it's courtside.� The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause)� That's not the way to convince you.
MONICA: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.� You have to spend time with me."� So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .
CHANDLER: I know.� You're right.� I want to see you too.� I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?� He's really looking forward to this.
CHANDLER: Yeah, ah, ah . . .� I'll think of something.
[Scene:� Monica and Chandler's apartment.� Monica is wearing a sexy negligee.� She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase.� He sets the case by the door.)
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: (Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.)� Oh well, look at you.
CHANDLER: Well, it looks great.� It's just that . . . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath.� So . . .
CHANDLER: See what I mean . . . (They kiss.)
CHANDLER: (hushed) No, no, no, no, no.� Joey can't know that I'm here.
CHANDLER: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game.� So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� (pause)� Except with you.
(Monica goes to the door.� Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)
MONICA: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.� You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?"� (As Chandler) "Really sexy.� Could I BE any more turned on?"
(Monica turns to get the wine.� Chandler peeps through the peephole.� Joey, seeing something, peeps back.� Chandler ducks.� Monica returns with two glasses of wine.� She gives one to Joey.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny.� I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.� (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.)� Hi ya.
CHANDLER: Yah.
CHANDLER: It's Joey.� (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.)� Hey Joe.
CHANDLER: What? Why?
CHANDLER: Look I, I can't.� What's going on?
(Chandler and Monica look at each other.� Chandler nods.)
CHANDLER: NO!
CHANDLER: (softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?
CHANDLER: No! Wait!
CHANDLER: (writhes as if in agony) All right, look.� Just stay there.� I'm coming home.
CHANDLER: Is that really necessary?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.� Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa.]
MONICA: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
CHANDLER: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him?� (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?")� I heard it.
CHANDLER: All right.� I've got a plan.� I'll go down the fire escape.
CHANDLER: Hear me out woman.� I'll go down the fire escape.� Then, I'll wait for a while.� Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.� Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
CHANDLER: I'm just going to wait for a little while.
CHANDLER: It's huge.
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.� Chandler enters from the stairs.� Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]
CHANDLER: (pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods.� Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
MONICA: (gasp) Chandler!� You're home!
CHANDLER: That's right.� You're husband's home.� So, now the sex can stop.
CHANDLER: Joey said that you're in here with another man.
MONICA: There's no man in here.� How dare you accuse me of that.� (She slaps Chandler.)
CHANDLER: (To Monica) What is he doing?
CHANDLER: All right.� Well, I'll check the guest room.
CHANDLER: There's nobody here Joe.
JOEY: (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa.� Wait a minute.� Wait a minute.� If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
CHANDLER: (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?
CHANDLER: I'm sorry.� I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . .� I didn't think you'd understand.
CHANDLER: Yeah.� I feel so bad.� Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
CHANDLER: I'm sorry. �That's the one thing I can't do.� I promised I'd be with Monica.
MONICA: (taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: Really?� You're gonna be okay?
CHANDLER: You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?
CHANDLER: Okay, bye.
JOEY: Thanks.� (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall.� Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.)� Here's your ticket.
CHANDLER: Hey, listen.� I'm never going to lie to you again, okay?� And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
CHANDLER: Game's tomorrow night Joe.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
CHANDLER: We'll watch him.
CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
CHANDLER: You understood that?
CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you dont have to smile. Lets try something else. Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
CHANDLER: No, I got him.
CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?
JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.
CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.
CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
Chandler: Oh, and Ive got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.
CHANDLER: You done?
Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her)
CHANDLER: You know it?
CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there.
CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.
Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...
Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.)
Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much
CHANDLER: Ok.
CHANDLER: That's me.
Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)
CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
CHANDLER: Yeah?
CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?
CHANDLER: Heads it is.
Chandler: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again.
CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].
Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.
Chandler: Okay uh, heres the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)
ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
CHANDLER: I think they get it.
JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler
CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
CHANDLER: There's the man.
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]
Chandler: You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!
CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.
JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]
ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
RACH: Chandler told me.
Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.
CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica)
CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.
(He licks his fingers, liking it. He offers Chandler a taste.)
[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]
Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring youre about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, Im gonna need to have that back. (The guy isnt sure.) But, in exchange Im willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.
Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and Ill bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: What's in the bag?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?
CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?
Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...
Chandler: You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry.
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]
Chandler: Hey.
CHANDLER: OK.
Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?
[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]
Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted.
CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.
CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?
PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]
CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
CHANDLER: Yeah.