words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Chandler: Couldnt I just say, "This is Ross?"
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that hes not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beers still cold. Something terrible mustve happened here! (He decides its not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: Chandler?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.]
Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
Rachel: Well look, if you dont like this (The audiences laughter at Chandlers progress cuts out the rest of Rachels line.)
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Yeah, Id love to but Ive tried that so many times they wont even let me in the store anymore.
Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Chandler: Thats awesome! Thats great! What made you do it?!
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joeys chair?
Chandler: I thought I broke Joeys chair! Thats why I replaced it with mine!
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
Chandler: Im gettin my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachels.)
(They enter Joey and Rachels to find that Joey has broken Chandlers chair.)
Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasnt broke a chair, is me!
Chandler: Well, wheres the logic in that?!
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandlers barca lounger?
Chandler: Hey!
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?
Chandler: Yeah, he came up...
Chandler: (enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.
Chandler: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!
Chandler: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Chandler: Yeah!
Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this?
Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)
Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)
Chandler: What are you guys talking about?
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)
Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! (Monica wipes away tears)
Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?
Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns to Joey)
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)
Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then gets serious again...)
Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.
Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside.
Chandler: Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?
Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)
Chandler: You said that to me last week.
PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]
Chandler: See ya! (he leaves the apartment)
Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!
Chandler: Hi!
Chandler: How come?
Chandler: Do you have any ideas?
Monica and Chandler come through the front door.
Chandler: Ow, no woo-hooing, no woo-hooing.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well thanks.
Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.
Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?
Chandler: Maybe not even then. (Joey walks in)
Chandler: Yep...
Chandler: Nope...
Chandler: Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
CHANDLER: Chandler Bing.
CHANDLER: What's up Joe?
CHANDLER: Yep.� That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.� Single are ya?
(Phone rings.� Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)
CHANDLER: I know.� You're right.� I want to see you too.� I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?� He's really looking forward to this.
CHANDLER: Courtside?� Oh my God.
CHANDLER: That's so cool.� I'll let Monica know.
MONICA: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.� You have to spend time with me."� So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .
CHANDLER: Yeah, ah, ah . . .� I'll think of something.
CHANDLER: Well, it looks great.� It's just that . . . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath.� So . . .
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: See what I mean . . . (They kiss.)
CHANDLER: (Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.)� Oh well, look at you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
MONICA: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.� You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?"� (As Chandler) "Really sexy.� Could I BE any more turned on?"
CHANDLER: Yah.
CHANDLER: It's Joey.� (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.)� Hey Joe.
CHANDLER: What? Why?
CHANDLER: NO!
CHANDLER: Look I, I can't.� What's going on?
(Chandler and Monica look at each other.� Chandler nods.)
CHANDLER: No! Wait!
CHANDLER: Is that really necessary?
CHANDLER: (softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?
CHANDLER: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game.� So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Eldad: Im a little embarrassed. (Chandler shushes him.)
MONICA: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
CHANDLER: It's huge.
CHANDLER: All right.� I've got a plan.� I'll go down the fire escape.
CHANDLER: Hear me out woman.� I'll go down the fire escape.� Then, I'll wait for a while.� Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.� Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
CHANDLER: I'm just going to wait for a little while.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
MONICA: (gasp) Chandler!� You're home!
CHANDLER: Joey said that you're in here with another man.
CHANDLER: That's right.� You're husband's home.� So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods.� Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at Joey)
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.� Chandler enters from the stairs.� Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]
CHANDLER: (To Monica) What is he doing?
CHANDLER: (pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.
CHANDLER: All right.� Well, I'll check the guest room.
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives dont mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arent amused.)
CHANDLER: There's nobody here Joe.
CHANDLER: (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?
JOEY: (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa.� Wait a minute.� Wait a minute.� If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
(Monica turns to get the wine.� Chandler peeps through the peephole.� Joey, seeing something, peeps back.� Chandler ducks.� Monica returns with two glasses of wine.� She gives one to Joey.)
CHANDLER: I'm sorry.� I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . .� I didn't think you'd understand.