words in movies
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Director: No, that was clenching.
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Director: Have fun.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
The Director: Yes?
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
The Director: All right, from the top.
The Director: And Action!
The Director: Uh sure.
The Director: Action!
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
The Director: All right! Lets try this again! You ready Joe?
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
(The director shakes his head.)
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats a wrap!
Director: Cut!
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Director: Whats going on over here?
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
Casting Director #2: Thats where you pick up the bag.
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent. The director is the same
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
The Director: And cut!
The Casting Director: Okay.
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!