words in movies
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
(The director shakes his head.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Director: Whats going on over here?
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Director: Cut!
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats a wrap!
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
The Director: Tasty! Im really starting to feel like you guys have a history, its-its nice.
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when were on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and its like somebodys ripping out my heart!
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! Its you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
Director: No, that was clenching.
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
Director: Have fun.
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
The Director: Yes?
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
The Director: Uh sure.
The Director: Action!
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?