words in movies
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent. The director is the same
The Director: Im sorry Joey, as long as hes here and hes conscious were still shooting.
The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)
The Director: (approaching) Okay! Were about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys dont mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Director: Joey, do you speak French?
Director: Whenever you're ready Joey.
Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)
Director: It was great.
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when were on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and its like somebodys ripping out my heart!
The Director: Tasty! Im really starting to feel like you guys have a history, its-its nice.
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! Its you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Director: No, that was clenching.
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Director: Have fun.
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
The Director: Yes?
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]