words in movies
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
[Scene: A Casting Directors Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didnt need to come down here today.
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks youre really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
The Casting Director: Okay.
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
The Director: Yeah.
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Director: No, that was clenching.
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
Director: Have fun.
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
The Director: Yes?
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
The Director: You ready to go?
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
The Director: All right! Lets try this again! You ready Joe?
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
The Director: Uh sure.
The Director: Action!
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
The Director: All right, from the top.
The Director: And Action!
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
(The director shakes his head.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Director: Whats going on over here?
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
Casting Director #2: Thats where you pick up the bag.
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats a wrap!
Director: Cut!
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.