words in movies
Mike: Thanks for coming you guys.
Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake.
Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
Mike: Yeah.
Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?
Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it.
Mike: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... (Ross stands up)
Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one.
Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! (he mimics the groommens way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh?
Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. (he leaves)
[Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.]
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Mike: I intend to marry her.
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
Mike: No more so than acting.
Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?
Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears)
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
(Mike enters the room).
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?
Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?
Joey: (to Mike) Hello Michael.
Mike: Joseph.
Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...
Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.
Mike: (not amused) Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?
Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.
(Mike and Joey come out of Joey's room)
Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. (walks away) That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight?
(Mike opens the door and there is a gigantic ice sculpture standing in the doorway)
Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
(Mike walks in.)
Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf.
Mike: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.
Ross: (To Phoebe and Mike) I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today.
Phoebe: (Turning to Mike) What do you think?
Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today.
Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...
Mike's dad: (leans in towards Mike) I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... (to his wife) Come on, sweetheart.
Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
Mike: I guess.
Chandler: I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.
Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... (smells Chappy) He stinks!
Mike: Oh, no!
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)
Mike: My God! Aren't you freezing?
Joey: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?
Mike: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. (He puts the ring on Phoebe's finger.)
Mike: I love you too.
Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Mike: I do.
(Phoebe and Mike kiss)
(Mike takes off his coat to give to Phoebe and the steel band plays "The Wedding Song")
Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by: guineapig
Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
Mike: Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up.
Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
MIKE: All right.� I'll do it.� (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.)� But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe: Wait! Oh wait! (she takes off a ring that was already on her left ring finger. After that Mike starts to kneel again, but then...) Oh no! (She was wearing rings on all her fingers and her thumb, and takes all of these off.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Three pizza crusts, two bottle caps and the plastic tripod are left in the otherwise empty pizza box.� Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth.� He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink.� Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the sofa.]
Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?
Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!"
Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's coat.)
Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!
(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)
David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
Mike: Not possible! (they kiss, and then Mike says proudly...) She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls.
Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.)
RACHEL: Oh give me , , ,� (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.)� Hi, Mike?� Hi.� Listen.� I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what?� If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want.� Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
ROSS: (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.
Mike: (Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over her mouth)
Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!
Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.]
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are there.]
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
Mike: And there is Kevin.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Mike and Phoebe are walking to their seats.]
Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein.
Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great!
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
Mike: You don't have to go home tonight, do you?
Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident?
Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.
Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?
Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why dont we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he doesn't believe what just happened. Precious leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)
Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..
Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.
Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.
Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I�m not t�not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
Mike: (looks strangely shocked) Excuse me... (he leaves, then Phoebe realizes what she did).
Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!
Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...
Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
Mike: oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike!
Mike: I'll make it a hundred!
Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
Mike: Oh wow! Im free for her!
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
Mike: (sighs) No...
Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
MIKE: (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
Precious: Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell.
MIKE: I'm so glad you're back.� (He hugs Phoebe.)
Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.
Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise.
Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).
Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.
Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?
Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)
Mike: Well I've got a book around...
Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.
Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, which look in disgust)
Helena: Im sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
Mike: No, my parents are rich.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)
Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?
(There's booing around them, and Mike sinks in his chair, holding his hand in above his eyes, hoping no-one would recognize him)