words in movies
Mike: Thanks for coming you guys.
Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake.
Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
Mike: Yeah.
Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?
Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it.
Mike: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... (Ross stands up)
Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one.
Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! (he mimics the groommens way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh?
Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. (he leaves)
[Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.]
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Mike: I intend to marry her.
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
Mike: No more so than acting.
Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?
Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears)
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
(Mike enters the room).
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?
Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?
Joey: (to Mike) Hello Michael.
Mike: Joseph.
Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...
Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.
Mike: (not amused) Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?
Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.
(Mike and Joey come out of Joey's room)
Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. (walks away) That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight?
(Mike opens the door and there is a gigantic ice sculpture standing in the doorway)
Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
(Mike walks in.)
Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf.
Mike: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.
Ross: (To Phoebe and Mike) I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today.
Phoebe: (Turning to Mike) What do you think?
Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today.
Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...
Mike's dad: (leans in towards Mike) I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... (to his wife) Come on, sweetheart.
Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
Mike: I guess.
Chandler: I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.
Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... (smells Chappy) He stinks!
Mike: Oh, no!
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)
Mike: My God! Aren't you freezing?
Joey: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?
Mike: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. (He puts the ring on Phoebe's finger.)
Mike: I love you too.
Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Mike: I do.
(Phoebe and Mike kiss)
(Mike takes off his coat to give to Phoebe and the steel band plays "The Wedding Song")
Mike: Lima.
Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.
Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan".
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary.
Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt!
MIKE: huh.� (pause)� What's the difference between beer and lager?
Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
Chandler: So, where's Mike?
(Mike puts the ring on her finger)
Mike: (walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.
Mike: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up.
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
Mike: So, what's new?
Mike: You really did that?
Mike: Ah! I missed you
Mike: Hey (He kisses Phoebe)
Mike: (afraid) You're kidding right?
[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]
Mike: Crap Bag.
Mike: Yeah, but you can't do that.
Phoebe:(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?
Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?
Mike: Really?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]
Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?
Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.� Fascinating isn't it.
Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.
Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?
David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just better watch out.
Mike: Hey!
(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)
Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike!
Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.
Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Mike: Hey, what's going on?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.� Ross stares off to the side.)
Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?
Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.
Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Mike: So you forfeit?
(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)
Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
Mike: It's a Speedo.
Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
MIKE: My cousin's a paleontologist.
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?
Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical!
Mike: That's great! You changed you name?
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
[Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.]
Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!
Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monicasinging "Delta Dawn".
Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)
Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!
Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and (She holds the mike out to the audience.)
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!"
Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner)
Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!
Phoebe: That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls.
Mike: (takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what do you think we should do?
Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
ROSS: Ah?� (Mike nods.� Another pause.)� Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.