words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]
Mike: This is nice.
Mike: You need both hands for that?
Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch, holding hands.)
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
Mike: Is it?
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...
Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?
Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.)
Mike: It's to my apartment.
Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...
Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)
Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike look really proud.)
Mike: Is this cool, huh?
Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?
Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him...
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]
Mike: So... how many guys have your key?
Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
Mike: Did you uhm...
Mike: ...kiss him?
David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. (he points at Mike)
Mike: Don't point your finger at me.
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just better watch out.
Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
Mike: Well, I might.
Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)
Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?
David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style. (He leaves again)
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.� Fascinating isn't it.
Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.
Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?
Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?
Mike: Hey!
(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)
Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike!
Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.
Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?
Mike: Really?
Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Mike: Hey, what's going on?
Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]
Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.� Ross stares off to the side.)
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... (smells Chappy) He stinks!
Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Mike: So you forfeit?
(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
Mike: It's a Speedo.
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.
Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?
MIKE: My cousin's a paleontologist.
Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical!
Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
[Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over.]
Mike: That's great! You changed you name?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!
Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monicasinging "Delta Dawn".
Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and (She holds the mike out to the audience.)
Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.
Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner)
Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls.
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!"
Mike: (takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what do you think we should do?
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
ROSS: Ah?� (Mike nods.� Another pause.)� Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!
ROSS: Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.
Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
(We see the screen where it says: "Mike will you marry me?" and then we see Phoebe and Mike on the screen. Phoebe stands up and kneels in front of Mike.)
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.� Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.� Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)
Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]
Phoebe: Yeah, you can't do that! Oh, come on Mike, strap on a pair.Why don't you just tell her that we got back together. You know, women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I.
Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk!
Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears)
Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
MIKE: Ah, you mean lager.
Mike: You should be careful when checking your overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during...
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Phoebe: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! (at which she walks away)
Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kennethsinging "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge!
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours.
Mike: Maybe I'll sign for it. Tear it open. Pull out the packing material...
Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped.