words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
Ross: It-its great to meet you Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeths boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So Ross, what your problem?
Paul: Why cant you get a girlfriend your own age?
Paul: I dont like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Paul: Okay.
Paul: Okay. Ill give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean Ive been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a studentI mean I notnot it! I mean, I mean I dontWe havent done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, weve-weve-weve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a jokelighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: Im Irish.
Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzies mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Paul: I get that a lot.
Ross: Okay umm, why dont we all take a seat, yknow? And uh, and Ill get us all some uh some coffees(He goes to pull out Elizabeths chair, but Paul steps in)Yeah, why dont you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Yknow? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
Paul: I had a sister.
Paul: She passed away.
Paul: Oh, you dont have to do that every time.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isnt happy.) Youre roommate in college died didnt he?
Paul: A part of him did yes.
Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
Paul: Im already here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]
Paul: Hi! Hi. (Hes looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.
Paul: No.
Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)
Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
Paul: Just call me Paul.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?
Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.
Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to (He taps his index fingers together.)
Paul: Im just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Paul: Yes I did.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]
Paul: Hi Ross.
Paul: Yeah Ross its okay, its me, Mr. Stevens.
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
Paul: Ill call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasnt as bad as-as
Paul: Ross, look, I know Ive been giving you a lot of jabs and its partly because Im very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) youre not (pause) all bad.
Paul: And anyhow, Im sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like shes a twelve-year-old girl.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Paul: You have a son?
Paul: Dont worry about it, I just didnt realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)
Paul: You two were married?!
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?
Paul: Are you yelling at me?!
Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
Ross: Well if it doesnt matter to her, it doesnt matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesnt make me like you any better!
Paul: Then we agree?
Paul: Neither of us like Ross!
Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, "Whats going on?") Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that hell just be one second.)
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-Ill go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.
Paul: No! No! Its just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.
Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)
Chandler: Im a little busy here Paul.
Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or Ill have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"
Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Pauls back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?
Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?!
Rachel: Uh, Pauls Caf�. They got great food and its really romantic.
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, its my moms. So this is the kitchen.
(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)
Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul ONeil.
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)
Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a I hate that guy face. Paul does the same thing.)
Paul: Honey, we dont have any bears here.
Paul: Good. Good. Not that we dont want you to stay, obviously youre welcomeHow much more homework do you have?
(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.)
Paul: Yeah?
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Paul: Two years.
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
Paul: It's okay...
(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Monica: You know Paul?
Rachel: No Paul, I dont know anything about you! Yknow, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood!
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Pauls flexing.)
Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, Ive decided to accept the fact that youre going out with her.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, continued from earlier.]
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I cant eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.
Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
Paul: Ill be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)
Paul: Cant complain.
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, youre doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Yknow why? Because youre a (pause) neat guy. (Ross cant believe what hes hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. Youre just a love machine. (Starts singing) Im just a love machine and I wont work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) Im just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Paul: A surfer.
Joey: Yes, its in my In in my pocket. (Paul hasnt dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket!
Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.
Rachel: Thats-thats great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Lets go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesnt move.)
PHOEBE: Paul.
Paul: Ill call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.
Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)
Paul: Oh Rachel, Im so sorry. I didnt mean to overwhelm you. Its just that, when those gates open, you (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close em. But they are closed now. Believe me.
Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasnt really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.
(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)
Rachel: All right Paul, Im not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!
Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. Im funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now Im telling you, I dont want you seeing my daughter anymore.
Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, Ive written it all down!
Paul: Im thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.
Paul: Im so happy that youre here.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that yknow, you shared your feelings. Its really, its beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?
Paul: Why are you yelling?
Paul: Yes it does.
Paul: How did you know we were here?
Paul: Okay.
Rachel: I came with Paul!
Paul: What do you need from the car?
Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?
Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!
[Scene: Pauls Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]
Paul: Ross!
Paul: Youre next!!
Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.
Paul: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?