words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Mommas Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, Im a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, its just not my character thats not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?
Chandler: Oh, whats at 8:00?
Ross: Cousin Frannies wedding, its tomorrow night.
Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannies made some new friends.
Ross: Well l-look okay, its probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
Rachel: Umm, I think hes still out. Whats wrong?
Phoebe: Oh thats a nickname we were trying out.
Phoebe: Oh! Heres Joseph Francis!
Ross: Phoebe hes right, that is the rule.
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, whats the problem?
Rachel: Mommas Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)
Monica: Joey, that papers like a year old!
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goodys sale is over?!
Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasnt a mistake. Ahh, theres-theres limited seating in the hall.
Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! Thats not the reason shes not inviting me!
Ross: Oh whats the big deal?! I wasnt even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and yknow what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then well-well leave early as a sign of protest.
Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. Shes an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!
Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Rosss behalf. I-I think the rule applies here yknow, since she has a chance to get on broad back
Ross: BecDid you not hear me?! Shes an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? Theyre wild! Why do you want to come anyway?
Monica: Because! Shes my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! Were family yknow? Well thats important to me.
Joey: Aww thats nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.
[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachels building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]
Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! Thats David!
Phoebe: Oh, you say someones name enough, they turn around.
David: I mean, theres a statue in Minsk
David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-its actually of Lenin. But, yknow at certain angles
Phoebe: No he wont. And thats not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now yknow what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I dont have my principles, I dont have anything!
Rachel: Oh its umm, its tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)
Chandler: Thats what Monica said.
Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think shes trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.]
Monica: Limited seating my ass. Lets see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi!
Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and waters fine.
The Waiter: Its uh, its already been roasted.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, weve heard the specials three times! Okay? Theres prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)
The Waiter: Actually were out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joeys menu under his arm.)
Joey: Whats the rush? What?
Phoebe: W-wI justits thatI haveyknow I have-I have an appointment. And its very important.
Phoebe: Well Its a date.
Joey: No, Im gonna!! Thats right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, youre doing the same thing!
Phoebe: ThatIts not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, hes very special to me.
Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Yknow what? I dont have time have time to convince you because hes only here for four hours, and Im gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.)
[Cut to Chandler and Monicas as they enter.]
Chandler: Well thats not fair, youve already had some!
Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh Theres more crust on this side. Yknow? So, maybe if I measured
Rachel: Thats also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and dont come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. (As shes saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone as a woman approaches.]
Ross: Yes, yes it is. Its uh (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!
Monica: Heres Frannie. Hmm, wont she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and great Frannie.)
Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannies shoulder.)
Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! WhatWhy wouldnt you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannies husband walks up.) Stuart!
Ross: So its really a question of who could you have possibly done.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and hes saying goodbye to Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Are you sure? Ill bet theres another flight to Minsk in like
Phoebe: Thats really beautiful. What does it mean?
Phoebe: Thats good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else.
Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, nows not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! Theres a piece that doesnt have floor on it!
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]
Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monicas wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)
Phoebe: Its okay, hes a virgin.
Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friends mother.
Joey: Oh thats too bad. Ive kinda been saving up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you sure theres no studies I can participate in?
Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-hes new in town and I know he doesnt have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. Ill really appreciate it.
Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. Shes yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...
Phoebe: Its not kicking me, its kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Dont make me come in there!
Phoebe: Hey! Ive got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyones names in them and inside is everyones individual birth stone.
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]
Woman: Hi, oh, Im Lauren, Kates understudy.
Pete: Dont worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponents strength and weight against him.
Monica: I think our lovers spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe: Dont be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Yknow? Mines gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.
Rachel: Oh. Im sorry. Im very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) Its just, Im ahh, Im kinda excited. Im, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.)
Rachel: No, I know I dont either, but ya know what, its their party, and its just one night. And we dont even have to lie; we just wont say anything. If it comes up again, well just smile. Well nod along.
[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Rachel: That sounds great! Id love to live at Warrens!! I love Warren! Thank you!
David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachels hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, whos-whos to say? Does that me we-we cant do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesnt it?
(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultees presence.)
Phoebe: Well, freaked. Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alices like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachels panties.]
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, were here, having lunch lets get married!
Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, thats great! Good job Ben.
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, whats up? (She enters.)
Monica: So big deal, so Joeys had a lot of girlfriends, it doesnt mean hes great in bed.
Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipes not hot enough to light this!
[The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janice and sees its not working to his liking so hes confronting her about the sexual tension.]
Hillary: Whats a matter with you?
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe walk in, loaded with bags.]
Rachel: Well theres yore. And uh, yknow, yesteryear.
Chandler: so then the farmer says, "Thats not a cow and youre not milking it." (Everyone laughs.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.]
Ross: Oh Pheebs, thats great. It doesnt count.
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees its a beautiful woman coming out of the mens room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y�you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby�s sleeping.
Joey: Its not just the stuff he paid for, I mean its-its everything. Yknow? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didnt get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didnt believe in myself.
Chandler: No!! Okay!! Whats with the third degree?! Why dont you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)
Phoebe Sr: No, no, thats just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And Im very sorry, but I dont know where your Father is, and thats the truth.
Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though shes still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom.]
Joey: Its just a game Mon. (makes a Can-you-believe-her face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now shes gonna start all over! Were never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!
Estelle: Theres just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know its gonna shrink.
Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to spell it correctly) B - O - S ...
Ross: Look, look, theres got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I cant imagine, I cant imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....
Dr. Green: Oh really? Thats how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: Really? You dont think thats a little inappropriate. (Shes wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.)
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now lets take a look at (Phoebe rushes in.)
Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincys theory. Okay?
[Cut to Monicas work kitchen, shes on fire again and Joey is putting her out.]
Singer: Okay, my next songs called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldnt Have Left You That Way.
Rachel: Well look, if you dont like this (The audiences laughter at Chandlers progress cuts out the rest of Rachels line.)
Rachel: Its all gonna be okay. Theyre just so happy that Im not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear.
Joey: Yeah, shes been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high fever, a nose problem Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
(They both start to frantically rip each others clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) Shes wearing my bra!
Chandler: Because thats where Joey gave me some stuff to store that Ive never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)
Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what its like to be eighteen years old?
Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and thats when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, yknow what? I thought anything that can fit into this, cant be scary.
Chandler: I have to; hes my best friend, and youre seeing him.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sisters mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okayand F.Y.I she mustve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I dont give a tiny rats ass."
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach its present time! Yknow youre the glue thats holding this whole party together. Its kinda falling apart here.
Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fights over!
Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope its you!
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after hes left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody its uh its mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Phoebe: Oh Willies still alive!
Joey: Well thats it. Im done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)
Phoebe: Yeah? And, hes-hes so centered and mature and confident.
Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldnt. Now, see, thats acting.
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebes secret?
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Mischa: Hes says, Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.
[Scene: Sarahs bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]
Monica: Oh, and by the way, hes lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler.
Chandler: I dont know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. Shes saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
Janine: No no no no, its potpourri. Youre supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)
Joey: Thats right! Cause Im a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we dont read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!
Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. (pause) Look, please, just come on, you know, when you’ll see the look on Emma’s face, I swear you won’t regret it.
Rachel: Hey-hey, yknow what? I dont care! Im not ashamed of my book. Theres nothing with a woman enjoying a little erotica. Its just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She goes into her room.)
Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, whats up with you?!
Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! Its funny!
Phoebe: Oh how lame... oh, it’s so tacky, and impersonal.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading) "The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
Ross: (whines "No.") Thats not true!
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.
Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but its going to be torn down, so I mean, I-I know its crazy, but everything up til now has been so crazy, and I dont know, this just feels right. Yknow?