words in movies
[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be looking like a ham right about now.
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Joey: Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
Chandler: Its Phoebe! Hi!
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shops signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Chandler: Lets not do that any more.
Phoebe: Rifts. Yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Woman: Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Carol: Its a little complicated.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
(Helens buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once hes lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
Chandler: Its not just that shes cute, okay. Its just that... shes really really cute.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Years... but obviously someone forgot.
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monicas note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Phoebe: Well, I mean, Im not my sisters, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, its true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, weve grown apart, so, um... I dont know, why not? Okay.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
Teacher: Alrighty. Were gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why dont you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummys head.
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
Chandler: Mr. D, hows it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, its been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
Mr. Douglas: Its pretty ugly. We havent seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Fran: Whats she doing here?
Jamie: This could be Gods way of telling us to eat at home.
Fran: Think she got fired at Riffs?
Fran: Im gonna wait till after we order. Its her, right.
Jamie: Hi, its us.
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and its me.
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, thats good.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
Monica: Congratulations, I think youve found the worlds thinnest argument.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Joey: I dont know. I like her, you know. Shes different. Theres uh, somethin about her.
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now its not okay.
(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandlers wool.)
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandlers boss opens the door.]
Chandler: And thats the Chrysler Building right there.
(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandlers expression of alarm & guilt.)
Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Ninas shapely departure) Shes still here.
Mr. Douglas: Thats unbelievable.
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know whats goin on inside a persons head.
Chandler: Well, I guess thats why they call it psychology, sir.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Carol: This is impossible. Its just impossible.
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin that. Its just gonna have to stay in, thats all, everything will be the same, itll just stay in.
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Susan: I know its frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when its over, were all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Joey: Well, not that its any of your business, but, no, we havent, okay?
Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. Whats up?
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe thats because theyre ah... jealous, of us.
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because youre getting a big raise.
Chandler: Oh, you dont know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders raise?
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Phoebe: Well, but thats what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldnt even talk to me any more. Because he said he didnt wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.
Phoebe: But hes falling in love with her.
Rachel: Oh please, theyve been going out a week. They havent even slept together yet, I mean, thats not serious.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? Its freezing out here. Would you come back inside?
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Emma is still crying.]
Monica: Ohh thats sweet!
Chandler: Thats right! Where are the guys? Im ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
Monica: Hey, its good to see you!
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Heres what well do, Ill get twice as drunk as Monica and then no ones will even notice her.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girls wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin in a box!! (goes to her room)
Richards Date: Hi, Im Lisa.
Monica: (to Richard) Its good to see you
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking hes gone.)
Monica: This is not, what I�m wearing. I�m ovulating and Chandler�s gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]
Rachel: Honey, its not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when theres a screaming baby around.
Monica: Shes leaving for three months.
[Scene: Chandlers gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.]
Monica: Okay well I think thats your answer.
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt cause this is great. Its top notch.
[Cut to Rosss second wedding reception, Joey has just told him the band is ready with Rachel looking on.]
Mr. Bowmont: Thats me.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! Shes gonna this boat!
Joey: That guys still doing that?!
Monica: Okay well thats good to know.
Monica: (entering) Okay, its ready. Come on.
Ross: (to Chandler) Thats a duck.
[Scene: Monicas Restaurants kitchen, shes cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandlers head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]
Chandler: The keys stuck in the lock.
Ross: Uh no-no, she-shes out for the night.
Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? Its coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh, shes uh-uh really sick.
Ross: Thats okay Rach, were not liking Ross right now.
Monica: Yeah, its great.
Joey: Maybe thats the problem.
Monica: Thats right.
Joey: Thats so sweet. (pause) Im gonna get some coffee. (gets up and leaves)
Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butters done?
Monica: No thats, thats okay.
Carol: Ah yeah, but now its Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Joey: Okay thats fair.
Ross: Hey, its my list.
Richard: I think thats fair.
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radios broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
Joey: Shes gone.
Joey: Hey, hey, look! It’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, heres a great one.
Ross: Hey, whats going on?
Ross: Whats up?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler whos on the couch reading.]
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
[Scene: Phoebes, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]
Monica: Chandler, youre not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe its time that you let that stuff go. If your fathers not at your wedding youre gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Rachel: Thats also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and dont come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. (As shes saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Rachel: Oh, its just an anti-theft device.
Rachel: Pheebs, thats great!
Chandler: Okay, so I guess thats about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.
Monica: He wanted to tell me hes gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.
Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. Theres an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss
Phoebe: Its not in the apartment? (Monica gives a Come on look) Oh no. I cant believe this is happening again.
Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) Thats courtside baby!
Ross: Theres nothing the matter with me. See, Im not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings different.
Chandler: Its happened to you?
Monica: No its not! No! No! Now its about you and Ross getting back together!
Phoebe: (shes strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think Ill play it at the wedding.
Monica: Thats true.
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasnt supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. Its my best friends, and Im officiating so I really cant work past four.
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. Its about being with the people that you love.
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, its nothing! Monica, come on!
A Woman: Lets go!!
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandlers problem.
Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milks gone bad.
Joey: What?! Whats wrong with my eyes.
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees whats on TV) Oh God, is that Baywatch?
Receptionist: Well, heres a schedule of whats coming up. (Hands it to him.)
[Cut to Rachels bedroom.]
Monica: (outside the door) Its Monica, open up!
Monica: So its okay to date a student.
Chandler: Oh, shes got you running errands, yknow, picking up wedding dresses (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!
Chandler: No-no, hes not back yet, but hell be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandlers door.]
Chandler: Whats the matter honey?
Mr. Thompson: Thats good. Very good! (Walks away.)
Chandler: (on phone) Hey, its me. I know you cant stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought Id try and apologize over the phone. All I (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
Chandler: What in Gods name is that?!
Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly hes leaving out e and f. Its like they just ah, I dont know, fell out of his head.
Emily: I wish I could know if youd heard any of that. I suppose Ive either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if youre listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose theres not much chance you did heard that, and theres the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Ross: (To Chandler) You dont think its a little crazy that you get all my points just cause you
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica is cleaning with a vacuum and then she cleans it with a dust buster. The guys enter the room.]
Joey: No thats all right. Dont worry about it.
Phoebe: Okay, lets talk outside.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandlers and Richard and Lisas tables have been pushed together and theyre all eating and talking.]
[Scene: Rosss lawyers office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.]
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joeys nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because hes now forced to actually hold his breath.)
Rachel: Whats up, Ross?
Chandler: Honey, its gonna be okay.
Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You havent touched Eldads hair!
Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well shes-shes sweet and pretty and
Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, thats a great story. Can you tell it to me when youre getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!