words in movies
[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be looking like a ham right about now.
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Joey: Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
Chandler: Its Phoebe! Hi!
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shops signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Chandler: Lets not do that any more.
Phoebe: Rifts. Yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Woman: Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Carol: Its a little complicated.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
(Helens buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once hes lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
Chandler: Its not just that shes cute, okay. Its just that... shes really really cute.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Years... but obviously someone forgot.
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monicas note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Phoebe: Well, I mean, Im not my sisters, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, its true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, weve grown apart, so, um... I dont know, why not? Okay.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
Teacher: Alrighty. Were gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why dont you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummys head.
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
Chandler: Mr. D, hows it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, its been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
Mr. Douglas: Its pretty ugly. We havent seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Fran: Whats she doing here?
Jamie: This could be Gods way of telling us to eat at home.
Fran: Think she got fired at Riffs?
Fran: Im gonna wait till after we order. Its her, right.
Jamie: Hi, its us.
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and its me.
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, thats good.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
Monica: Congratulations, I think youve found the worlds thinnest argument.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Joey: I dont know. I like her, you know. Shes different. Theres uh, somethin about her.
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now its not okay.
(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandlers wool.)
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandlers boss opens the door.]
Chandler: And thats the Chrysler Building right there.
(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandlers expression of alarm & guilt.)
Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Ninas shapely departure) Shes still here.
Mr. Douglas: Thats unbelievable.
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know whats goin on inside a persons head.
Chandler: Well, I guess thats why they call it psychology, sir.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Carol: This is impossible. Its just impossible.
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin that. Its just gonna have to stay in, thats all, everything will be the same, itll just stay in.
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Susan: I know its frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when its over, were all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Joey: Well, not that its any of your business, but, no, we havent, okay?
Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. Whats up?
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe thats because theyre ah... jealous, of us.
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because youre getting a big raise.
Chandler: Oh, you dont know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders raise?
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Phoebe: Well, but thats what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldnt even talk to me any more. Because he said he didnt wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.
Phoebe: But hes falling in love with her.
Rachel: Oh please, theyve been going out a week. They havent even slept together yet, I mean, thats not serious.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? Its freezing out here. Would you come back inside?
Ross: Because whats going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Monica: Heres the plan! Okay? Im going to leave you get a look at Brendas bra!
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joeys sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, thats not the worst part.
Chandler: Look, Im sorry! But theres nothing I can do, I think Im in love with her!
Rachel: Well, it doesnt sound like it! I mean, its pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just dont kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table shes gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
[Scene: Petes apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]
Monica: No, its not a sign! Its a very old key!
Ross: I know, it�s the first time, we�re leaving the baby and � hey, I know how hard it is for you, but � but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. She�s great with kids.
Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guys hammered!
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? Thats what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Phoebe: Okay, dont panic. Im gonna go to the store, Im gonna get you another set of nails, no ones gonna know, and youre gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, its cause theyre gonna eatthats the problem.
Jill: Its probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesnt like the way I dressNo that cant be it. Its really gotta be the smart thing. Oh Im so stupid! Im just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Phoebe: Whos the father?!
Emily: Oh, no-no, yknow I absolutely adore Rachel its just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But its absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea?
Ross: Yeah, all right, its a date. (He leaves)
Monica: Well, theres a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize shes not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, its supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because its really doing nothing for me.
Joey: No reason, Im just saying that uh Thats where Ill be.
Rachel: Dont say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross whats in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time we were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!
Monica: Wow! Its like Rachel in High School.
Rachel: Ohh, its gonna be so great! Im gonna get to help decide what we sell, Im gonna have an office with walls and everything. (turns to Monica) Im gonna have walls!
[Scene: Chandlers office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She does so.)
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnt heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlers parents again!
Chandler: Thats great, but shouldnt you be on the toilet right now?
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess its just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Monica: Wow. Yknow it is so weird. I mean, youre gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea whats gonna happen.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? Cause I thought death was something thats supposed to be sad, in a way.
Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! Thats good!
Monica: Thats right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?
Ross: Yes. I mean, its what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it. Thats why they call them plans. Hello? (Pause) Im fine.
Rachel: Ohh, theres a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! Shes going to ruin the wedding!!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentines Day!
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your room and try these on and well seeget a better idea of whats gonna work.
Kathy: Why not? Whats going on?
Phoebe: Do you think thats something that hed be mad at you for?
Ross: Listen, Im ah, Im sorry Ive been so crazy and jealous and, its just that I like you a lot, so...
Richard: The bedroom. Well its pretty much your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom.
[Scene: Rachels office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.]
Ross: (notices the table) HeyOoh! Whats-whats that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, its the one with the fake chocolate. Monica has baked some cookies and Phoebe is trying them.]
Alice: Phoebes right Frank. I know its hard to hear, but it wouldve been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is?
Rachel: Of course its true and it hurts so bad.
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Joey: Thats not fair! I cant do that.
Chandler: Roberts coming out.
Chandler: Yes, yes, its just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross.
Tag: Well, its not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?
[Scene: Joshuas parents apartment, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Oh no, shes still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her.
[Scene: Treegers apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.]
(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room theyve made with his arm and decides its not enough and they all move over again.)
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, hes fine, hes fine, lets just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See thats a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Chandler: Oh, thats uh, thats pretty nice but Im gonna go with the one I picked first.
Ross: Thats the day youre gonna die? Seedarnit, Ive got shuffleboard that day.
Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnies free tonight?
Chandler: Thats awesome! Thats great! What made you do it?!
Phoebe: Yeah! Its not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three Ps of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah whos started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.)
Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean I dont know, its just, I guess I know its going to be over soon.
Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, nows not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Ross: Oh no! That-thatll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Yknow what? Im buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, its in my pocket.
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Eric: I dont think they have a name for it. Its just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: Okay, okay. Its James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Rachel: Yeah, but its okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
Rachel: But ah, youre safe from it if its in the freezer?
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please dont tell me its her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Ross: (disappointed) Thats cool.
Chandler: (whispering in Joeys ear) The reason he just said.
Ross: How weird is that? Yknow? Youre moving in with me and have the one thing I dont have. Its like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.
Ross: Yknow what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, its not absolutely vital that you live with us.
Chandler: Yeah, hes made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Yknow its all very Cats in the CradleI dont want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, its closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, Im really gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Rosss shoulder.)
Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Yknow? And its probably really hard for you to be alone right now.
Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants shes always wanted!
Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. Thats why I cant take this job.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If thats, if thats really what you want, okay.
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joeys agent, approaches]
Monica: Alright, you know what? Thats it. Youve had your chance.
Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! Thats great! How did you guys meet?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Monica: (hangs up) I dont think this numbers right!
Emily: Oh, but the partys only just getting started!
Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, theres so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, its gonna be okay.
Phoebe: No, its just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out.
Joey: Well, its not a part, no. Im teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldnt have said. But believe me, thats not gonna happen today.
Joeys Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
Phoebe: Yeah, um, I cant fly. Im having my brothers babies.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I dont, I dont know. But, y'know what, maybe its just all for the best?
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but thats okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so Im allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, its flattery.
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, hows the packing going? (Listens) Ben? Hes fine. Yeah, hes rightOh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, its a pumpkin. Ill come pack.