words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.]
Joey: Can I see the comics?
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?
Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.
Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? Hes the one who slept with someone else.
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first youre really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.
Joey: I had the same dream!
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Monica: (seeing her) Okay, lets go!! Lets hit the road!!
Monica: Lets get the show on it!
Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and its sooo close.
Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, lets skedaddle.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. Theres a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel]
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Chandler: Look, Im telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.
[Theres a knock on the door.]
Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and its Rachel again.)
Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? Im asking you first, right?!. I mean Im playing by the rules.
[Scene: Rosss, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open window.]
Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachels sisters cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.)
Ross: So, for the whole weekend?
Ross: Yeah, thats okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend Im alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand.
Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, Im gonna stay. Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around.
[Scene: In Phoebes Grandmothers cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebes driving, Rachels sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.]
Phoebe: What does the sign say?
Phoebe: No, the No Smoking sign. Theres no smoking in my Grandmothers cab.
Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebes pulling in.]
[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesnt and gets thrown up against the glass.]
[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.]
Phoebe: (to Rachel, whos staying in the cab.) Arent you gonna go?
Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is no tissue, no tuschy. (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybodys going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)
Phoebe: No, y'know what dont close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) cause the... keys...are in there.
Chandler: (to Joey) My lighters in there! (points to the cab)
[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.]
Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipes not hot enough to light this!
Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra!
Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?
Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.
The Girls: No, not getting my bra!
Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.
Phoebe: Okay, Monicas are the biggest.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]
Chandler: Okay, now lets decide who has the nicest ass.
Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!
[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Carol: (answering the door) Hi!
Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home?
Carol: Ah yeah, but now its Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?
Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.
Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.)
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]
Rachel: I dont know, Im sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here.
Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up.
Monica: So the going for help went well?
Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.
Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.]
Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Wheres 717? (He gets up to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, youve have more of these for Susan right?
[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Lets stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
Carol: Listen, we both know youre gonna do it cause youre not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but dont punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.
Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? Ill find you. (hangs up)
[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]
Monica: (reading the sign) Whats pleh?
Joey: Thats help spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!
Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course Im stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, Ive got plenty of people to help on the Interstate.
[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joeys sign destroying it.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and were then gonna go skiing?
Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handles my middle name. Actually its the ah, middle part of my first name.
Ross: Hey-hey, its valid okay? And Im not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me.
Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joeys the one who agreed with you!
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, lets get back in the car, cause its freezing, and my chest is unsupported.
Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here.
Ross: No, no, really, Ive got to take the car back anyway, Im spending all day tomorrow with Ben, Its fine, no guilt I promise.
Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
[They all get in the cab and drive away.]
[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the batterys dead.]
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is running to answer the door.]
Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross!
Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, cause thats not where you want to skimp.
Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110?
Carol: Okay, Ill pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door)
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom)
Ross: (outside the door) So Im gonna take off then!
Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.
Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.
Ross: Uh no-no, she-shes out for the night.
ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)
[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.]
[Monica turns on the radio.]
Director: Lose the robe.
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Rachel: Look, I am so so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that Im not. Im not even close. And I dont know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that thats dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next.
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
Eric: Oh my God, youre the sister!
Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! (she holds out the 'painting')
[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.]
(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)
Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. Youllyoure gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesnt believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, yknow when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddys credit card. Do you remember?
Chandler: What the fu(beep)ck are you doing?!
RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe and Ross enter the room.]
(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)
[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebes work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "its," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just (Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it) throw your purses at it.
ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li...(stops and thinks) Wait a minute, there is a window in there!
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.
MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Ross: Well, there is an Arbys in the shape of a tee-pee.
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Joey: But the auditions in a couple hours and I dont even understand the game.
Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)
Richard: Well yeah, Im sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
Chandler: (To Chandler) Im out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.
Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this!
Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.]
Joey: Actually, y'know its kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?
Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.
Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) Whats going on?
[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial dont seem to think its that bad.
(She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.)
Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Somethings missing. Its not Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
[Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.]
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
Monica: Thats right. Thats right. And that is why you cant stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldnt come to the wedding.
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!
The Producer: (checking his watch) Lets get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Mike: I know. This has been the best year... (the crowd starts cheering so he starts yelling) THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!
JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)
Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]
Chandler: Oh hey. Id shake your hand but uh; Im really into the game. Plus, I think itd be better for my ego if we didnt stand right next to each other.
Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.
MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?
Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? Hes the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]
(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)
MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.
MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.
Ross: Okay, forward. ForwardStop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, backStop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forwardStop! Stop! Stop!
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]
Monica: I do! Im a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! Its not a courtroom drama!
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Only Chandler is in the living room and walks to the bathroom.]
Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.
Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!
Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)
Chandler: Well Ive been playing it for like eight hours, itll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, theyre dirty words.
Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)