words in movies
Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".
Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)
Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time!
Ross: Uh, uh... Sure! Uhm... "Dear..." (he takes the notepad)
Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives".
Ross: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the.
Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
Monica: Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.
Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
Phoebe: That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast from the past!
Phoebe: Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!
(Outside the Central Perk)
Chandler: David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)
(Charlie comes out the bathroom)
Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong?
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)
Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming...
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)
Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!
Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.
[Cut to the guys]
David: So, ehm... I'm proposing to Pheobe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)
Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!
David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Phoebe: Are you leaving "The Supremes"? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!
Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?
Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
Charlie: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
Ross: The chocolates aren't here yet.
Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?
Rachel: (looking out the window) What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.
Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.
Rachel: It's not the time Charlie.
Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!
Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?
Ross: Wha... what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)
Ross: Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!
Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)
Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.
Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?
Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.
Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!
Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!
[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]
Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do!
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast)
Rachel: And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend.
[Scene: Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]
Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.
Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That's a pretty necklace.
Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you.
Charlie: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.
Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter.
Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?
[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]
Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.
Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like?
Rachel: Well, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts...
Rachel: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.
(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross's room)
Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?
[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]
David: Uh, Phoebe, uh... (Chandler hits his own head) you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help!
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
Monica: IT'S THE HUMIDITY!
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.
David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.
Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring...
(Rachel opens the drapes)
Monica: The sun is out!
Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!
Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous!
Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus...
Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.
(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)
Ross: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.
(all the paleontologists laugh)
Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...
[Scene: the hotel conference room]
Ross: (concluding his speech)... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you!
(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him)
Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone... so... young... and... (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully).
Rachel: All right! Well, uh... (to Monica) we're gonna hit the beach?
Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words along with me?
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)
Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)
Joey: (disappointed) Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you...
Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech... (pulls a face)
Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk...!
[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]
Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!!
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!
Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.]
Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)... all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny!
Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)
(Someone knocks on the door)
Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls?
Joey: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like... (sighs) What the hell is my problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed)
Rachel: Ok... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl...
Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)
Joey: Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you later!
[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel]
Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)
Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will!
Rachel: What the... DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've been thinking about... you know, us! (looks at Joey, who's totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little!
Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin'???
Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE (see link)! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)
(Joey falls backwards into the room)
[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.
Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty!
Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)
Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the best.
Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker.
Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.
Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?
Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them)
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play!
(Chandler scores and wins the match)
Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face". And that's the end of the ninth season.)
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table]
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who dont know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think youre gonna like this a little better, cause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush)
Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]
ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss] ROSS: You're not laughing. RACHEL: This time it's not so funny. [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.] RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. RACHEL: Oh, thank God. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.] ROSS: Hi. RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you. ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah. RACHEL: What? ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them] CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.] [they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off] JOEY: Is that the fire alarm? CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. JOEY: Cool.
Chandler: Id like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)
Ross: I dont think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?
[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.]
[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you!
Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.
Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a table again)
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
Michelle: It�s so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it�s like you lose a boyfriend,you get a boyfriend.
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow youve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.
ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.
CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, theyre both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all, okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture) Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]
Phoebe: Yeah, oh Im sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, its a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! Im so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, causeOh! Im pregnant!
Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)
Ross: My God, the babys kicking. Thats great. Although I kinda wish I-I wouldve been there to feel the kicking for the first time yknow.
Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? Youre not feeling left out or anything are ya?
Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin together I (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didnt want to tell you cause I didnt think that youd return my love, and now that you have (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each others hands.)
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
[Scene: The New York City Children's Fund building. Phoebe and Mike are entering.]
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Phoebe: None the less.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. (gives it to Monica, who looks at it for a long time, and then shows it to Chandler)
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what Ive got?
Rachel: Thats right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room!
Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize.
[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]
RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find!
Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and ]
Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!
Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, its-its so great. But at the same time Im thinking, "Well, Im gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. Im sorry.)
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I dont think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And theyre on the same couch. Which means theyre sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasnt been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that theres anything wrong with that. That is unless youre a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Phoebe: Thats like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. (Slang right?)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling its the Gellers. (She pays no attention shes talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, its the Gellers. (Shes still not responding.) Shes very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.
Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
Chandler: And Im blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didnt say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. Ive got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.
Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?
(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! Im gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
Chandler: You cant tell, but Im trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!
PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldnt take the chairs!!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Monica: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it.
Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.
Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?"
Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?