words in movies
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in Central Perk.]
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Uh-huh.
Ursula: You have not changed!
Ursula: Right.
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets go!!
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fianc�e is really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Ursula: Who is it?
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Eric: Hi, its Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursulas fianc�e.
Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
Ursula: No Im not.
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)