words in movies
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in Central Perk.]
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Eric: Ursula?
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Eric: Not really. You youre blurry, but you still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just dont look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. Im not, Im not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And thats not happening til October 15th, 2032.
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Ursula: Oh!
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Right.
Ursula: Uh-huh.
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Ursula: You have not changed!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.