words in movies
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
Ursula: Hey!
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Eric: Ursula?
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And thats not happening til October 15th, 2032.
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Eric: Not really. You youre blurry, but you still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just dont look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. Im not, Im not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
Ursula: Right.
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Uh-huh.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: You have not changed!
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Ursula: Hey!
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.