words in movies
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Ursula: You have not changed!
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets go!!
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in Central Perk.]
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fianc�e is really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Eric: Hi, its Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursulas fianc�e.
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Eric: Ursula?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And thats not happening til October 15th, 2032.
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)