words in movies
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Ursula: You have not changed!
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in Central Perk.]
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fianc�e is really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Ursula: Who is it?
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets go!!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Eric: Hi, its Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursulas fianc�e.
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.