words in movies
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Ursula: You have not changed!
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Ursula: Hey!
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in Central Perk.]
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets go!!
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fianc�e is really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Eric: Hi, its Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursulas fianc�e.
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Eric: Ursula?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im really-really excited for you and Ursula.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Eric: Not really. You youre blurry, but you still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just dont look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. Im not, Im not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And thats not happening til October 15th, 2032.
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)