words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there; Phoebe recites the last verse of a poem to Joey. This poem is known as "The Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore, but it seems that it's rather "Account of a visit from St. Nicholas" by Henry Livingston.]
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of his chair.]
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Ken: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (singing:)
"Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
[Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name.
Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
Ross: (in a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!
Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)
Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
[Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London] [Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]
Monica: You're a really good kisser.
[Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets] [Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
Monica: No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.
Rachel: (opens her present from Ross; it's a dark-red scarf) Oohh, I love it!
(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out of the window.)
Monica: "Wendy" is a fat girl name.
Monica: Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. -- Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?
Joey: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle!
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Ross: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know?
Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Chandler: I don't have a *job*!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch, checking the Job offers in a Newspaper.]
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.
Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. Its like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Pauls back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think youre gonna like this a little better, cause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush)
[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]
Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...
Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of embarrassing. Lets just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, butcome on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.
Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a safe?
Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!
Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team!
Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)
Rachel: No, it's just... look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me.
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?
(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)
Joey: I do. Theres uh, lets see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids Ive Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Lets stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I justthat night meant a lot to me, I guess Im just trying to say thanks.
Conan: You uh, youve worked withThey always say a performer should never work with pets or children.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]
Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses its the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, Id be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.)
Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...
Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.
Rachel: Im funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, Ive got a ton of these! Umm, oh hearDo you want a good one? Heres a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you cant roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, theyre left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.
PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.
Rachel: Oh, yknow I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I(Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats going on little elves?
Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!
Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clich�d scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)
Joey: Only if you think its better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, Ive got a great little villa you can stay at.
Ross: Oh-oh, youre-youre fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stocks musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, its a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.
Mr. Geller: I understand completely, theres nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandlers bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, its just Jasons so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive its just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!
Chandler: It doesnt matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily!
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, first season, Monica is making a giant sub-sandwich and is talking to Rachel. I think its The One With Fake Monica.]
(Yep, its a little gold loop.)
Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.
MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Ross: Oh, okay, yknow what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Chandler: I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!
Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)
Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Lauren: (laughing) Oh, youre so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
Ross: A wandering?
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look Ive known you both a long time, and Ive never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as youve been since youve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine."