words in movies
[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whos in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
Ross: No, but come on, were off to a great start arent we? I knew Id get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: N No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna go have a baby.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Im sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
Ross: Well then wed be in a lot of trouble, you dont know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Yknow what? Id have to say I really dont care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem toWhoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out theyre having a contraction at the same time.)
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think were ready to have a baby now?!
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all grown up!
Chandler: Yes, but havent you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachels hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Marc: Julies cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, thats about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Ross: Hi! Im so glad youre here, but its gonna be a while. I-I wished youd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnt just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, were not gonna be together just because were having a baby. Okay?
Ross: Okay, stop it! I cant deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Rachel: Theyre having their baby! Its not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Evil Bitch: Shes in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
Monica: Well maybe Im ready now. I mean, its a little scary, but maybe its right.
Chandler: What?! Its not right! Were not ready to have a kid now!!
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Wait a minute, its perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and were in a building thats full of beds!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but cant.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of embarrassing. Lets just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasnt paying attention?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Woman: Mine havent been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient Im looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that information; Im a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. Hes a patient of mine, Ive been treating him for years!
Monica: I think we found a place.
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Im not waiting! Im gonna push this baby out! Im doing it! I mean its what? Three centimeters? Thats gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know Im a widower.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
Joey: A widower.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and hes not into anything weird sexually.
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when youre trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)Mother of God its true!
Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Phoebe: Okay Ive got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
Ross: Yknow what I think it is? I think youve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesnt want to leave.
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, youre a hero.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, youre about to become a mom.
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?
Joey: (entering) Rachels having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, Im a neurologist.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. IOkay umm this I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm yknow, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than Im coming off right now.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brothers triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Umm, look we dont, we dont really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I dont know about you but that doesnt happen to me a lot.
Dr. Long: Shes gonna be fine. Okay, shes in a more difficult position so youre gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute its not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
Monica: Its okay honey, youll find a name.
Monica: Umm, okay. If its a boy its Daniel.
Rachel: And if its a girl?
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides yknow, nothing goes with Bing. So Im screwed. I mean (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, thats you. Youre our little Em. Oh whats that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
Janice: Hes a keeper. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, its Ross!
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Yknow what I was, I was thinking about?
Rachel: Thats all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
Phoebe: Yeah thats true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Ross: Look, weve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) Its just if-if we got together again and it didnt work out I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything(Starts to cry.) Oh thats now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I were doing really, were doing really well right now.
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her eyes.) Whats the matter?
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
{Transcribers Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}
Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)
Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"!
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
Rachel: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted!
Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him.
Rachel: (stopping a nurse who's coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Roy, the male stripper: (coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs!
Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.
Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".
Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)
Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick!
Ross: You had a rough day, uh?
Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.
Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler's jaws drop) But other than that, he's a great guy.
Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him)
Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)
Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!
Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.
Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!
Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?
Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)
Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Ross: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. Shes such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.
Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)
Gene: A torch, a bonfire... (Joey seems lost) uhm, your pee...
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?
Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.
Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
(She takes off the coat she was wearing over her wedding dress, which is violet and has a darker shade petticoat underneath which shows at one side where the dress is lifted up to about the height of her hip and connected to the petticoat. She's wearing a veil over her curly hair and a low cut top with straps only just hanging over her shoulders.)
Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]
Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Joey: Would fall off a lot.
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.
Rachel: Ooh, Italian! (she also grabs a plate)
Ross: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! (they all look at each other when Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today...
Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago?
Rachel: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
[Scene: A restaurant. Rachel enters.]
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up.
Rachel: Hi... I'm on a date...
[Scene: A counter at a government building. Phoebe's waiting in line.]
Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while.
Chandler: That is a bad interview.
Joey: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?
(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)
Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true.
Ross: But also knowing it means a lot.
Rachel: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.
JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.
Monica: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.
Rachel: Wha... My resumé? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resumé.
Joey: (squinting his eyes) Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!
Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man.
Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)
Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
Monica: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.
Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!
(A young girl enters)
Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band?
Phoebe: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it.
Joey: I hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.
Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
Mackenzie: I read a lot.
[Scene: Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel just walked out carrying a box of her stuff, and a strange man approaches her.]
(In the meantime, Ross is trying to squeeze and push a rather large chair through the revolving doors of the Ralph Lauren building.)
Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.
Rachel: What? You don't want me to get a job?
Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)
Rachel: Ross, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went into, and out of the camera's view, and then nonchalantly walks away)
Joey: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.
Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.
Chandler: (peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game!
Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?
(a woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)
Phoebe: (without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband Crap Bag.
Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?