words in movies
[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whos in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna go have a baby.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only youd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Yknow what? Id have to say I really dont care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem toWhoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think were gonna have some fun.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler: Okay. Ive been thinking about it too, and I, I think were ready.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachels and then feel mine to compare.
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnt just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Ross: she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why Im not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: No-no, Im Im sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Chandler: Wait a minute, its perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and were in a building thats full of beds!
Monica: And its so clean!!
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yknow and maybe you might want to visit someone else
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient Im looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see whats he like. People tell doctors everything.
Rachel: Dr. Long, Ive been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
Ross: And yet somehow its true!
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babys ears!
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and hes not into anything weird sexually.
[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Chandler: If its not, then theres two of them. And that would mean its the end of the world!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)Mother of God its true!
Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]
Rachel: Oh thats five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesnt she want to come out?
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]
Joey: (entering) Rachels having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, Im a neurologist.
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brothers triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Umm, look we dont, we dont really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I dont know about you but that doesnt happen to me a lot.
Ross: No! Come on letsOne more time! One final push! Ready? 1 2 3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
(Ross and Rachel look into each others eyes and kiss.)
Monica: Oh my God! Shes amazing. Oh, oh Im so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler: Its incredible, I mean one minute shes inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Yknow what I mean! Shes this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and uh-oh.
Rachel: Yeah, and yknow what? I love them both, so why dont you just pick one and thatll be it.
Rachel: And if its a girl?
Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I dont want it.
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesnt he?
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Janice: Oh well thats what I thought about my first husband, now Im lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Rachel: Well Thats yknowThatsWeve been alone for the last twenty minutes were doing okay. Besides yknow what? I-IMaybe we wont be alone, cause lately I-Ithings have been happening between me and Ross, yknow? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Yknow? So it might be the the beginning of something.
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Yknow what I was, I was thinking about?
Rachel: Thats all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
Ross: Look, weve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) Its just if-if we got together again and it didnt work out I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything(Starts to cry.) Oh thats now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I were doing really, were doing really well right now.
Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Rachel: Ive just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Rachel: Oh please, hell be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.
Rachel: Im just saying that yknow, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and hes gonna have his own life. Right?
(He moves Rosss coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an engagement ring.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
{Transcribers Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)
Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!
Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
(Ross and Emilys parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral...
Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"
Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? Its Rachels tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life.
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!
Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?
(Joey hugs Rosss neck and has a look of complete contentment on his face which, after a short while, causes David and Matt to start laughing.)
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J )
Chandler: What do you think shes just gonna sit there quietly? You dont think shes gonna want to make a toast? You dont think shes gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you dont find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says ) Oh no.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? Thats Dr. Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There(Marcel (Katie) jumps away)Okay. (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Gunther: Dont wink at me. And put on your apron.
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, Ill show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didnt see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, Ill slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Phoebe: Dont be so corny Ross, its not an after-school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.)
Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, youre doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Yknow why? Because youre a (pause) neat guy. (Ross cant believe what hes hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. Youre just a love machine. (Starts singing) Im just a love machine and I wont work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) Im just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
Chandler: Well, come on, Ive been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations. He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel's. And it starts another round of clips.]
Rachel: Im fine! Im fine! Im just losing a tooth, its no big deal. I have a dentist! Yknow. Im gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?
Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing theyre arms to shake each others hand, and Ross says )
Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)
Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!
Jill: That he wouldnt pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter hes actually proud off.
Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and youre sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.
[Scene: Chandlers bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. Theres a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandlers door, and starts to complain about the noise.]
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
PHOEBE: Oh God.� Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I havent met any Portuguese people! I, I havent had the perfect kiss! And I havent been to snipers school!
Chandler: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.
[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]
Rachel: Well sure, if you say youre gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now Im gonna do this my way and I dont want to hear a peep out of you!
Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he cant straighten his fingers.)
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!
Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in (Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believing her) I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped?
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
(Sarah enters the room again, and stops when she sees her dessert is missing. Joey has emptied her plate, and has a chocolate covered mouth, just like a kid.)
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.
Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesnt respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as were both up
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) Its been six months! Its not funny!
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violationand wonderful surprise.
Phoebe: Youre thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. Its like, its like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of See?
Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)
(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, youve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so Im gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and Im gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, youll be long gone. But I wont have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, Im gonna want to meet her.
Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like its snowballing, yknow?
Phoebe: All right, Ive never been engaged and Ive never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe youd want to get back together?
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm, but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and theres no way to know which one.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
Rachel: Well Joey, youll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Yknow when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Yknow? So its sorta like (Does it, youll have to see it.)
Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and Ross didn't say they weren't either here]
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) Im an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and Id be out and shed, shed see some beautiful woman, and, and shed be Ross y'know look at her, and Id think, God, my wife is cool!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, Im gonna say, midget rodeo.
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyones all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, Im gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.