words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.
Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?
Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.
(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!
Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little
Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.
(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on )
Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!
[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]
Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)
Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!
Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Ross: And thank you, for that.
Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!
Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.
Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)
(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?
[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]
Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.
Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.
Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.
Monica: And this goes for all guys?
Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.
Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!
Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.
[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)
Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!
Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.
Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)
Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)
Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.
Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]
Ross: And she just gave you this?
Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)
(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says )
Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it (the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!
Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!
(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]
(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
[Scene: Rachels office, shes there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
[Scene: Monica and Joeys, Monica is cooking.]
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there arent any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simons been waiting for(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!
Ross: Eh, either way Ill pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still cant eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) Whats so funny?!
Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Ross: Yknow what? I-I-I I-I have had enough of this! Yknow, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if youve got a problem with me, frankly
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesnt mind, of course.)
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
(They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.)
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. Well be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) Im back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, its your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
Monica: Yknow, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
The Director: And cut!
Chandler: Yknow when I said that because were getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldnt hang out with all the guys in my office.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Tag: But Im not gay. And I especially wouldnt want you to think I was gay.
Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong with me.
[Scene: Rachels office, shes looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, its a great part. Look, check it out. Im the lead guys best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. Im sorry, that seats saved.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin us play this time too.
Melissa: Well, weve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Chandler: Uh Joe, when its one oclock in the morning and you dont come by? Thats okay!
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isnt.]
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-hes new in town and I know he doesnt have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. Ill really appreciate it.
Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and thats why I have to kill you."
Hums While He Pees: I know its really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss andOh no! No! No! My God!
Ross: Look, I dont think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, Ill do it. But just because youre a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
(Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! Im sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Phoebe: Like shes really mean, and shes over critical, and-andNo! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, whats up? Im just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Yknow, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. Whats up? (She has put on the backpack.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Joey: Okay, firstfirst of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), youre looking down, keep looking down
[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okayand F.Y.I she mustve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I dont give a tiny rats ass."
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Phoebe: Oh, Im sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, hows Whitney?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyles last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing
Kyle: we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So (Pause)
Phoebe: And yknow, even if they break up again, youd better not let him in your sad mens club!
Phoebe: Yeah, and yknow what? I dont give a tiny rats ass.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, Ill grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and youre both so important to me
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebes, I would be Rachels, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandlers name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that
Joey: And?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: And itll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffees cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Chandler: (pause) No, were still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Chandler: Well, cause she came back the third summer and shed gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow