words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Jack: What are you doing here?
Jack: Are you all right?
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
Monica: What are you doing?
[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Rachel: How come you are?!
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Ross: I I dont know what you are talking about.
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okayand F.Y.I she mustve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I dont give a tiny rats ass."
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You cant eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, its gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean Im gonna look different. Im okay with that, but Im not sure that you are!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Chandler: Come on! Why are we here?!
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) Im so sorry!
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesnt stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel wont stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? Its been three hours.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Woman: Im sorry, who are you?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: Hey Joey, yknow what? You are way to good for her.
Joey: Where are you gettin this?
Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice arent they?
Monica: Thats because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you dont believe me, please, by my guest.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin back out on the water matey?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing one notepads while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.]
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? Youve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Fridays, come on!
Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.)
Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this?
Phoebe: Are you crazy?
Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!
Ross: Are you out of your mind?
Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!!
Rachel: How are you holding up?
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street)
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and theyre gonna be, be drinkin and dancin, and we really wanna go!
Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing?
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.)
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]
Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We We are not going to let it be a problem.
Tag: Are you serious?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]
Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
Monica: Im sorry, I cant help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barca-lounger. The girls are in the kitchen.]
Ross: All right, yknow what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then Im sorry, Im just gonna have to take it back.
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monicas wedding dress.]
(There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, Id find work.
Chandler: What are you doing?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird turtle-man?
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin to feel her again there are we?
Phoebe: Are you sure?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]
Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. IWhat? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monica: What are you talking about?
Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?