words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Jack: What are you doing here?
Jack: Are you all right?
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.
Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?
Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.
(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.)
Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.
Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
Ross: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?
Chandler: I know, I know, but youre gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.
Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]
Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Gellers party.]
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.
JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.
RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.
MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.
RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!
MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]
ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?
[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandlers boss opens the door.]
RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?
Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?
ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?
RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
WAITER: Are we ready to order?
RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens?
MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]
Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]
ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?
MONICA: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.
JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?
Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her)
CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.
CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.
(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)
PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.
MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!
Chandler: We are. Hes meeting us here.
MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques.]
CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.
STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, its been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby.
RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
RACH: Are you over me?
[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
ROSS: How are you?
RACH: Good. How are you?
Rachel: Aah! Why? What are these for?
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
CHAN: What are you doing out there?
Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]
Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!