words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Jack: What are you doing here?
Jack: Are you all right?
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Phoebe: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?
PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!
Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a Jamaican accent) "The south will rise again man."
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]
Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we dont have a TV, the lady across the alley said shed push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, were on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.
Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think youre chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
Ross: No, of course, Um Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if if in 35 years, were half as happy as you guys are, well count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history
ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.
Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when theyre hungry.
Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.
Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) Thats all right. Hey you guys, you know whats going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, Im doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"
Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}
Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.
Phoebe: (spitting the cookie out onto a napkin) Oh, sweet Je(Beep)sus! Oh! Monica, these are the (laughing) cookies they serve in hell!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]
Phoebe: (to Monica) Are you wearing waterproof mascara?
Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)
Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!
Phoebe: I dont know! How are the-the-the-the, yknowYoure clothes arent funny.
Ross: Look, look, theres got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I cant imagine, I cant imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....
Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
Ross: Well l-look okay, its probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]
Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Dont you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]
[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA.
[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]
Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!
Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?
Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?
[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachels building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
[ Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. Chandler, Monica and Emma are sitting on the floor, and Emma's stuffed animals are lined up in front of them.]
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The auditions not til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Whod you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And yknow Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, its in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator
[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Phoebe: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma!
Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)
Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
Laura: Boy, you people are nice... And I've got to say... I think you're going to make excellent parents.
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what were gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then youre just gonna pay the difference.
Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?
Chandler: No! I just happened t�do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.]
Ross: Look, I-I know its not a proposal and I dont know where you are, but with everything thats been going on and with Emma and Ive been feeling
Chandler: Thats a mailman! Thats our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Ross: (in a 5 year olds tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)
Joey: Why dont you ask Chandler, cause hes the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin over Janice by groping my sister.
Joey: (thinking) All right. Its a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you dont feel that now. It was crazy! Youre fine. Youre better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everythings normal! Shes just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.
Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that.
Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!