words in movies
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]
Woman: Chandler.
Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
(Chandler comes in.)
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
Chandler: So.... I quit.
Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!
Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.
Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?
Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."
Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Chandler: Who are you going out with?
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
(Chandler is completely astounded.)
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Chandler: (smiling)....with??
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
Chandler: Again?
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
Chandler: Well?
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.
Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]
Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)
Chandler: You go back to work tomorrow night, right?
Chandler: Okay Buckwheat!
Chandler: What are you singing?
Chandler: So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn?
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Chandler: Hit yourself in the tooth?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: She's cheating on Joey with Ross!
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what youre thinking, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and youre right, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Chandler: Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Only Chandler is in the living room and walks to the bathroom.]
Chandler: You can't move at all?
Chandler: Really? What happened?
Chandler: If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose?
(Chandler enters the bathroom, and Monica is standing there in a towel, with her hair stuck in the shower curtain.)
Chandler: I think you know.
Chandler: This is what I want to do.
(Chandler enters from the bathroom)
Monica: Look what I found in the drawer... (Chandler looks up from his book.) And you said I'd never wear this...
Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.
Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?
Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa . (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Yknow, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
(Chandler leaves.)
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: What?
Chandler: I got nothing.
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'...
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Chandler: What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears.
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
CHANDLER: But hey, it's courtside.� The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause)� That's not the way to convince you.
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous?
Chandler: So, you and Rachel tonight, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Chandler: Really?
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey sweetie! (they kiss)
Monica: We're just making conversation. (Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)
Chandler: Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. (They look at each other, both embarassed)
Chandler: How can you be so confident?
Chandler: ...and beer!!
Chandler: She went on one of those spray-on tan places.
Chandler: (To Monica) Why...why?
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures!
[Scene:Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are on the couch]
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Chandler: Really? Like you have a routine?
Chandler: Who's Amanda?
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, whos the silver fox?
Chandler: Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect?
Chandler: Are you trying to do a British accent?
Chandler: No, had it done to me though. Feels good !
Monica: Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh! (to Chandler) Have you ever done that?
Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Joey: I don’t get it, Chandler loved it!
(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.)
Chandler: Hello? Is someone on the line?
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Hang on, she’s right here. (he enters the living room and hands the phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya.
Chandler: (to Amanda) I get pedicures!
Chandler: Was that place... The Sun?
Chandler: Hold on! There is something different.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Chandler: How was your date with Joey?
Chandler: You didn't like that?
Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
Joey: Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second (points to the hall).
(Chandler starts looking at her bra)
Monica: (sees what he is doing) Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open!
Chandler: (without taking his eyes off the bra) You don't know! (Monica just smiles)
(Chandler resumes staring at Monica's bra)
Monica: (pause) (to Phoebe) Chandler gets pedicures!