words in movies
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]
Woman: Chandler.
Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
(Chandler comes in.)
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
Chandler: So.... I quit.
Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!
Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.
Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?
Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."
Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Chandler: Who are you going out with?
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
(Chandler is completely astounded.)
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Chandler: (smiling)....with??
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
Chandler: Again?
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
Chandler: Well?
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.
Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]
Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.)
Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a (Does the same gibberish word from before.)
Chandler: Really? Okay, so
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Right!
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!
Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just dont make my tail too poofy.
Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In factyes, (To Joey) Im, Im sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, Im-Im, Im gonna, Im gonna name the baby Chandler.
Chandler: Well, I dont have to buy that, "Im with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut
Chandler: Hey, look, youre in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, shes gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.]
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?
(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)
Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: Yes!
Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.]
Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?
Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?
Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Heres a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And thats me. (Another one.) And thats me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
Chandler: Yes!
Chandler: That's true!
Chandler: That's true!
Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
Monica: Im with you Chandler! I mean I cant have sex with a sick person either, thats disgusting! But Im not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.
Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.
Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!
Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. Ive just been going over your data here, and little thing, youve been post-dating your Friday numbers.
Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.
Chandler: What's your point?
Chandler: Why?
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.
[Scene: Ross and Emilys room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monicas lap and his feet on Chandlers lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]
Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?
Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.
Chandler: Yknow what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesnt look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.
Chandler: Nope.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.
Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work.
Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Chandler: What's going on?
Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!
Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
Chandler: Uh, hey!
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)
Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.
Chandler: Condoms?
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you werent looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!
Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.
Chandler: What? Why?
Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)
Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!
Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second?
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?
Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.
Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.
Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.
Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of stylewhat did you throw away?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.
Chandler: Flashdance.