words in movies
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that Im that shallow?
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Chandler: Was his question whats more boring than him?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Chandler: Ehh.
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: All right!
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Well its kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that hes not real.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Chandler: Uh-oh, its my boss!
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, heres the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Chandler: Im sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Chandler: Aww.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Chandler: Whats this?
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Chandler: Uh, what about yknow the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Chandler: Four different women! Ive had sex way more times!
Chandler: Nine.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Chandler: Hey thats what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: I do like that.
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Chandler: I have some moves.
Chandler: Yeah, lets just forget it.
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Chandler: I bet he can.
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Chandler: Im the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Chandler: No, there were two.
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you cant have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you shouldve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldnt imagine growing old with
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandlers card.) Yknow I gotta tell ya, sometimes I justI dont get Chandler. Yknow, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you dont get all upset.
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler: No, but waitwhat if I bought it from you, yknow? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?
[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]
Chandler: Yeah, Ill sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I dont know why I did that!
Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short) HeyyyyWhat?
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking hes gone.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Its your parents anniversary and youre going to talk about their dead pet?
Chandler: What?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
Chandler: Richard!
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Chandler: For camp!
Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may not get married at all this year!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why dont we sit down?
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldnt do it!
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Chandler: Im gonna do it tomorrow yknow, and-and surprise her, but now youve ruined it!
Chandler: I can do that, Ive had 30 years of practice.
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Eh
Chandler: Yeah, well Yknow, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?
Ross: (to Chandler) Thats a duck.
Rachel: Isnt it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin married.
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Richard: Okay thats fine, Ill walk away. And Ill never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandlers willing to give you everything I am.
Chandler: Well, never say never but yknow probably uh yeah, never.
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: MyOh my God!
Chandler: Youre right.
Chandler: Well what Yknow what Im gonna do? Im gonna go over there; Im gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Chandler: Hes not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! Im supposed to do that!
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: Okay great.
Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) Im gonna get the ring! Im gonna get the ring! (Does so) Im gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) Im just going to propose!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Chandler: Well where did she go?
Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didnt tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Chandler: Where is she? Im not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Richard: Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God, I cant believe this! Yknow, I thought I thought you were a good guy.
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Chandler: Yknow what? I cant believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Well why didnt you stop her?! Why didnt you just tell her it was a plan?!
Chandler: I cant talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Chandler: Yknow Richard you are a good guy.
Chandler: Well where Where did she go?
Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldnt believe me.
Chandler: I cant believe I ruined this.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
Chandler: Hey.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Thanks.
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Chandler: To Monica!
Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandlers angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Chandler: Its okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Im getting married!!!! Im gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because Im engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why dont you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Chandler: Okay.