words in movies
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that Im that shallow?
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Chandler: Was his question whats more boring than him?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Chandler: Ehh.
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: All right!
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Well its kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that hes not real.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Chandler: Uh-oh, its my boss!
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, heres the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Chandler: Im sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Chandler: Aww.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Chandler: Whats this?
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Chandler: Uh, what about yknow the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Chandler: Four different women! Ive had sex way more times!
Chandler: Nine.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Chandler: Hey thats what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: I do like that.
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Chandler: I have some moves.
Chandler: Yeah, lets just forget it.
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Chandler: I bet he can.
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Chandler: Im the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Chandler: No, there were two.
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you!
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Thats great, but shouldnt you be on the toilet right now?
Chandler: Whats wrong with you?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Thats a hernia.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have toyou-you go to the doctor!
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: No, not us (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Chandler: Like an eclipse.
Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! Youre very brave.
Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?
Chandler: Listen, Im really glad you got the part.
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!
(Chandler steps away quickly.)
Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"
Chandler: So is your apron. Youre wearing it like a cape.
(Chandler decides to help out.)
Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but yknow, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.
Chandler: Oh, all right.
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Chandler: What?
Chandler: You left a shoe here?!
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, Ill be sure to give him your shoe.
Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now Im not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?
Chandler: Joe?
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, its going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Chandler: See thats where I think that youre wrong. Weve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)
Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, theyre gonna start to think that I dont own it. So I figured Ill wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Chandler: And?
Chandler: There you are.
Chandler: You dont even have a car!
Chandler: Okay, Im a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.
Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someones eye out!
Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
Chandler: Isnt that what happened with you and the brides maid?
CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.
Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, youre not married to anymore of us are ya?
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
Chandler: That is true.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. Its really poking me.
Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Lets go.
Chandler: I think thats gum.
Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.
Chandler: Yeah, Im gonna pass. Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.
Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Dont you give me any of yourHey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebes triumph.
Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!
Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.
Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.
Chandler: First of the month.
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that hes scratching his back with it.) Listen, Im gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.
Chandler: Its not charity, Joe
Chandler: Uh, yeah.
Chandler: So, well do the rest of the bills later then?
Chandler: But then later that night
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.]
Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldnt take it.
Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?
Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?
Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure wed do nothing.
Chandler: Oh, shes got you running errands, yknow, picking up wedding dresses (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!
Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.
Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
[Cut to London, Chandlers hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, theres a knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)
Chandler: Hes at a dinner party.
Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this ones free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third ones free.
Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?
Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Chandler: Well I was I was exactly expecting company after (He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
Chandler: Oh yes!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?