words in movies
Chandler: Relax! We'll just get her some antacids.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.]
Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?
Chandler: Where are you going?
Chandler: You can't leave me alone with her.
Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!
Chandler: It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together.
Chandler: Okay.
(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)
Chandler: So, ah... Any plans for the summer?
Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?
Chandler: Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.
Chandler: One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this.
Joey: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.
Joey: Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.
Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!
Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical! (Singing) "Daa - raa... When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes..."
[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]
Chandler: Is it really that bad?
(Monica gives Chandler a look.)
Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!
(Chandler is standing by Erica's head.)
Chandler: I'm okay.
Monica: Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life!
Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.
Chandler: Wow!
Chandler: (emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see.
(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)
Chandler: Well, that's spongy.
Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!
Chandler: I know. He has your eyes.
Chandler: I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does.
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: How do you feel?
(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.
Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?
Chandler: What do we do?
Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?
Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody.
Chandler: What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king?
Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!
Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh...
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: Okay!
(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica's bed.)
Chandler: (shocked) She? It's a girl?
Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough!
[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]
Chandler: Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet.
Erica: Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.
Chandler: Bye!
Chandler: Have fun at church-camp!
(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)
Chandler: I know! You ready to trade?
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: We could trade later.
(Chandler enters carrying his daughter.)
Chandler: Hey.
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
(Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.)
Monica: (points at the baby she's holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that's a girl.
Chandler: Her name is Erica.
Chandler: Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together.
(Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.)
Chandler: I love you.
(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)
Chandler: I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler and Joey are there, packing the last boxes.]
(Monica and Chandler enter.)
Chandler: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.
(Chandler grins, while Monica is less enthusiastic.)
Chandler: Really? You got us a chick and a duck?
Chandler: Oh, don't worry, we'll find them.
Chandler: Alright.
Chandler: It's okay, it's just an egg roll.
Chandler: Okay, let's find these birds.
Chandler: Well, that can't be good!
Chandler: How?
Chandler: Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman.
Chandler: Joey, wait! The ball!
(The ball rolls into one of the goals, and Chandler and Joey listen in horror as the ball makes its way inside the table. Finally, they can hear the birds again.)
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow.
Chandler: No... It's all glued together.
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe.
Chandler: I know! It's.. It's the foosball table.
Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]
Chandler: And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.
Chandler: What's the matter?
Chandler: I understand.
Chandler: I don't know. Except that, for one last time... (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.
Chandler: Well, I can't do it either.
Chandler: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.]
Chandler: That was... Impressive.
Chandler: Sorry about the table, man.
Chandler: You gonna buy a new one?
Chandler: Well, at least we got these little guys out.
Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?
Chandler: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you.
Chandler: Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room.
Chandler: You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry.
Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]
Chandler: Wow, this is weird.
Chandler: Where's Ross?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.]
Chandler: (to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal!
(Monica and Chandler put Jack and Erica in their stroller.)
Chandler: Oh, okay.
(Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.)
Chandler: Oh, it's gonna be okay.
(Chandler hugs her. Monica hugs Ross and Rachel as Chandler gets the stroller with the twins.)
Chandler: Sure. Where?
(They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)
Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
Chandler: Well, if were gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Yknow alphabetically or by genre?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Chandler: Oh. Yknow, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasnt because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me cause, youre really hot! Is that okay?
Chandler: I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.
Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, its the Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.)
Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you werent all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.
Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Dont tell me I did this!
Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!
(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thats shes becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) Were getting a second opinion.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)
Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
Janice: Oh! Youre right. Oh God. But, before I can say good-bye, theres something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, its like, I finally understand what Lionel Richies been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, its like movie love, youre my soulmate, and I cant believe were not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why dont you put down your copy of The Rules huh mantrap?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!
(Chandler walks by and Joey lets out an evil "muhahaho".)
CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
Chandler: Okay, lets play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.)
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?
(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.]
[Cut back to Monica and Chandlers room, they are making out again as theres another knock on the door.]
[Scene: Rosss birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Chandler: Oh, and dont get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. Its just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, its making all the other guys jealous.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]
Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, Id miss you.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]
Joey: What?! Thats not fair! Its not my fault! I was off with my brides maid! And whos to say I wouldve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I wouldve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".
CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?
Chandler: Oh thats not true! Thats not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it (notices the look on Monica and Phoebes faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials
Chandler: It doesnt matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)
Chandler: Okay. 1 2 3Go! (Once again hes at a stalemate, but this time hes in pain.) (Pause) Im gonna kill myself!
Ross: Fine! Its your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just dont want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but thats what you want, theres nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DONT DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
Chandler: And then Tineals.
CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but Im afr Its too huge.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler: That's right.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Chandler: Cookie?
Chandler: Its a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said Id move to Tulsa, I didnt really know what I was saying.
Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)
CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!
Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! Ill see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.)
Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Chandler: What?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
Chandler: I have no idea.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: All finished!
Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!
Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
Chandler: That is amazing.