words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Chandler: Treegers snaking the shower drain.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Chandler: Maybe we shouldnt pay our phone billfree phone sex.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: We dont know what could make this go away.
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Chandler: We still have porn.
Chandler: Or a job where you dont have to carry a table.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Chandler: Its the theme from Good Will Humping.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They dont really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, its over.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Chandler: Whats the second part of your plan?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Joey: Ross! Ross! If youre going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) Im right, right?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Chandler: Yknow what, we have to turn off the porn.
Chandler: All right, ready?
Chandler: Two.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
Chandler: Yeah, thats kinda a relief.
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Bye bye.
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: You know, you think I would.
Chandler: (answering it) Yes?
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.
Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.
Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Could you want her more?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...
Chandler: We're notwe're not saying anything.
Chandler: And then he did.
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?
Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...
Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]
Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so
Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Phoebe: Chandler?
Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.
Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
Chandler: Call.
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesnt look exactly like her sister.
Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?
Chandler: Good luck.
Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)
Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!
Chandler: Go.
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. Ill let you fill in the blank here.)
Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.
Chandler: They're still just friends, right?
Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?
Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow "
(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)
Chandler: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?
Chandler: Yes have you seen any?
Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...
Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
Chandler: Marcel?!
Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.
(Phoebe and Chandler enter)
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]
Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please dont hate me.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook]
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.
Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?
Chandler: Why not?
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Chandler: Hey Rach!
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: Yes!
Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.
Chandler: I have my reasons.
Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?
(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
(A pause as they look at Chandler.)
Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)
Chandler: Can I use your phone?
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.]
Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?
Chandler: She answered.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.
Chandler: Hello? Hello?
Chandler: So how's Mindy?
Chandler: They do me?
Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.
Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?
Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.