words in movies
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives dont mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arent amused.)
Chandler: Its your mommy. Its your mommy.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Chandler: And say nothing?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Chandler: Secret? Married people arent supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Chandler: No Im serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Chandler: Oh no-no, I cant do that.
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, were on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebes secret?
Chandler: Thats it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Chandler: What about him?
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Dont show this to Monica! And dont tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Oh its always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Chandler: Hey! Whats up?
Chandler: Huh.
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: Eh, either way Ill pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still cant eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) Whats so funny?!
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompsons getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Monica: Youre right. I mean Im sorry. Yeah, I shouldnt be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had too okay?! Were getting married! Married couples cant keep secrets from one another!
Chandler: Du-ude!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what youre thinking, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and youre right, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wowwhoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: Hey!!!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Chandler: Yknow when I said that because were getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Lets not do that.
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldnt hang out with all the guys in my office.
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she's finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves)
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) Im right, right?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
(Kathys co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandlers mouth is on the floor.)
Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Chandler: Yknow what, we have to turn off the porn.
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Chandler: All right, ready?
Chandler: Two.
Chandler: All right.
Chandler: Yeah, thats kinda a relief.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.]
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. Thats right, yes, Im being transferred to Yemen!
Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.
Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"
Chandler: No. All right, yknow what, shes (Points to Janice) gonna think that Im handing you a credit card, but what Im really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. (Ross looks disappointed and switches the camcorder off)
Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?
Chandler: Hey, yknow what, if youre gonna do that, if youre gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesnt think so.) Oh, come on! Chandlers funny, sophisticated, and hes very loveable, once you get to know him.
CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.]
(Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.)
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: And now youre giving me the message!
Chandler: Hi! Hi! Youre crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.
Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.
Phoebe: So, I decided Im definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.
Chandler: Raymond Chandler.
Chandler: Wow, youre, youre right. I have a horrible, horrible name.
Chandler: Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.]
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
Chandler: All right ladies, heres what were gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandlers the king! Chandlers the king!"
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
Chandler: They dont really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesnt mean anything.
Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming home. As we walks through the door, and without looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the foosball table, only, its gone and the keys it the floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment; everything is gone except for the entertainment center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the fridge!]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.
CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Chandler: I have no name.
Chandler: Its Clint! Clint!
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Chandler: No, no, youre right, it is a ridiculous name!
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Chandler: Okay. Thanks.
Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!
Chandler: You wanna hug it out?
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: Yay!
Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!
(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and )
(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)
[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]
Chandler: Your pants!
Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesnt get it.) Santa Clauss pants.
Chandler: Yeah we do!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up the apartment.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)
Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
Chandler: Man, didnt she like just get here?
Chandler: Easy tiger.
Chandler: Where is Emily?
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Chandler: Are you serious?
Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)
Chandler: Because youve only known her for six weeks! Okay, Ive got a carton of milk in my fridge Ive had a longer relationship with!
Chandler: No thank you.
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Chandler: I didnt mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Chandler: No!
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: All right look, Im changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.
Chandler: Fine, lets do it.
Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first
Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandlers sand castle) No!
(He looks to Chandler, who doesnt have a clue.)
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didnt come up with the answer.)
Chandler: Thats a low one!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Chandler: Im right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now theres no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.