words in movies
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! Its you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Director: No, that was clenching.
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Director: Have fun.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
The Director: Yes?
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
The Director: All right, from the top.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
The Director: And Action!
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
The Director: All right! Lets try this again! You ready Joe?
The Director: Uh sure.
The Director: Action!
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
(The director shakes his head.)
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Director: Whats going on over here?
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats a wrap!
Director: Cut!
[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.